Reddit, I'm scared that once I start taking care of my mentally handicapped brother, my life is over. Can anyone who's cared for a handicapped family member lend me some optimism?

b3nny09 · 2012-05-22T12:00:38.264012+00:00

I have a cousin who is severely mentally handicapped. His parents have him in a non-residential program that gives him a lot of support. He has a caregiver and they have gotten him jobs doing fairly menial tasks. He lives in on their property but in his own side of a duplex, so they have some independence.

Start doing some research into what types of public assistance might be available to help you. You do not have to do this alone.

12092398 · 1 day

I get where you're coming from, and I think it's logical for you to feel the way you feel. And I think your father should go and if he doesn't he will likely come to regret it down the road.

But I think you're thinking about things in far too black-and-white terms. And I think the way you're handling things is pushing things toward a result that is the opposite of what you really want.

You're looking at this from the standpoint of what a reasonable and rational parent should do. But your father may not be able to meet the standards of a reasonable and rational parent right now. Your father has been through the death of not one, but two of his children. As a parent, I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like. My heart goes out to both your parents (and to you as well).

On top of that, he's gone through a bitter divorce. That alone is enough to really mess with a person's emotional state. But putting that on top of what he's already suffered almost certainly guarantees that your dad is emotionally wrecked and broken in numerous ways.

However, what I see in your post is that you have already decided how your dad is supposed to feel. He is supposed to selflessly sacrifice his emotions and nobly choose to endure this situation to demonstrate his love and loyalty to you.

I can see why you want that. But you don't get to decide how your dad feels. Maybe he feels like he's gone through just too much already and that this is where the line has to be drawn. Maybe he's hit a breaking point. Maybe he's teetering on an emotional edge and being around your mother might just push him over.

And you're not helping matters much. He offered to go, but for the wrong reasons, so you shunned him for that. Then he tried to send you an email expressing his feelings and you reject the email. If what you want is to push him away from attending the wedding, this is a great way to accomplish that.

I think you should lay off the pressure and approach things with more open communication. Making him feel like his relationship with you is contingent on his attendance at the wedding is likely to backfire. Instead, listen to how he feels and show some empathy and understanding about it.

The most you can do is to ask him kindly and gently. Tell him that you know that what you are asking is difficult but that it would mean the world to you if he could do this to you. A request put that way is hard to say no to.

CensoredThoughts · 6 days

This is true and I wish I could figure out a logical explanation for it.

I misplaced a pair of earrings I really liked. Nothing special; $19.99 at Target but I wore those earrings all the time.

Couldn't find them and looked everywhere. I especially looked in, around, under and behind my bed, because I have a habit of taking them off as I'm going to bed and tossing them on the nightstand.

Three days go by and no luck. I'm getting ready for a date, alone in the house. Still thinking about those earrings and miffed that I couldn't wear them.

Right before my date shows up, I go back into my bedroom. The earrings are there, on my pillow. To this day it still creeps me out.

Oortstorm · 8 days

I think your girlfriend is being unreasonably controlling and jealous. BUT...

It strikes me as odd that you would go so far out of your way to deal with this bill. If you are really looking to tie up loose ends, this is not the way to do it.

If you get mail for your ex just write on the envelope "No longer at this address.". If you know her new mailing address write "Please forward to [address]." If you don't, write " Please return to sender. "

As between the two of you, your girlfriend is more in the wrong, but I do think you were overly involved in the way you handled this and I can see why that might set her off.

lucyyy24 · 16 days

Took me a while to figure out it was "Like a G6" and not "Like a cheese stick! Like a cheese stick!"

dlat84 · 17 days

So what if the way he died was his own fault? Does that make your girlfriend's loss any less?

She lost her brother, dude. That's a terrible thing to go through. And you weren't even at the funeral. You "don't do funerals?". Well, when your girlfriend loses her brother you do. Because its not about you or your grieving process. It's about being there to support her.

figrollwastakenwtf · 20 days

Yes, there are parts that are a bit condescending. It's not all that bad, but unlikely to be received favorably by someone that's already pissed off at losing her formerly private abode.

It seems as though you've already sent it, though, so what's the point?

epilepsydilemma · 20 days

I think it is a good thing that your wife loves and cares for your brother and that you should work to try to find a way to help her feel like she's helping him out and taking care of him that does not involve him simply moving right in.

Teekey is right; once he's there, kicking him out for not meeting some conditions is easier said than done. I hope the two of you can work together to find out some alternatives that help him, make her feel good, and don't involve completely moving him in.

pooface27 · 20 days

You should tell him to stop that. It's not a word people should be using to describe any woman, no matter how wretched she may be.

pooface27 · 20 days

Since English appears not to be your first language I thought I should inform you that the word cunt is EXTREMELY offensive and is not something you should be throwing around like that.

blaaaaaaaaaaaah · 20 days

Who says you have to be cool about it?

He proposed, he asked you to marry him, he is now reneging on his promise.

He has every right to do that. It may even be the right thing for him to do. But he has no right to insist that you "be cool" about it.

This is an upsetting thing. You are allowed to be upset. VERY upset. I can't imagine many brides being "cool" with having the rug pulled out from under her a month before her wedding.

If he lacks empathy so much that he cannot understand why you would be upset at his decision, it does not sound like he is someone you should invest your time and energy in trying to salvage this relationship.

Throw_wife_bacon · 20 days

I still think you have more of a responsibility in this than you acknowledge.

They have no boundaries? What about you? They repeatedly show up unannounced at your house and you don't push back on that? Did you tell them to stop? Did you ever say to them "I'm sorry, this is not a convenient time for a visit, please do call before the next visit" and then close the door and send them away? They call you 3-4 times a day and what do you do? Answer the phone and talk to them? What about screening the calls? Coming right out and telling them you can't talk to them on a daily basis, let alone three or four times a day?

Since you have been tolerating it they are entitled to some fair warning that there is going to be a change. Tell them you are no longer open to receiving unannounced visits and that if they show up without prior agreement you will not answer the door. Tell them that you are no longer going to take phone calls from them and that they may call your husband directly should they wish to receive news about the baby or make arrangements to visit.

And yes, if you have to, lock the doors and disconnect the phone. And if they become seriously stalkerish get a restraining order. But if they are just busy-body annoying grandparents, you can and should directly confront the situation and stand up to these people rather than passive aggressively making an "escape plan" from a situation that your lack of assertiveness helped create.

dbr_throw · 20 days

I went through this. Tried to work it out. Stayed 5 years, then he cheated again.

But neither I nor anyone else can tell you what to do here. It is a very difficult and complex decision that you will have to make.

Here is the one piece of advice I think you need to hear. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DECIDE THIS TODAY. "I don't know," "I need time to think things over" and "I will give you my answer when I am certain about it and not one minute before" is the only answer your wife deserves right now.

This is a big decision, and will have lasting consequences. Please don't rush into anything. Make your choice as wisely as you can. Don't make a quick decision while you are going through your stages of grief.

Get individual counseling with a good counselor. Talk this all out. When you are in an emotionally stable place and you come to what you think is the right decision and you have slept on it for many nights and you still think the same thing, then you know what to do.

In the meantime, work out temporary arrangements with your wife so that you can coparent while still getting the space you need. And watch what she does during this time. If she is serious about fixing things she will wait patiently for as long as you need. If she goes back to him when she doesn't get what she wants from you right away, you have the answer by default.

Throw_wife_bacon · 20 days

Having read all your posts, I cannot help but feel that you are just seeking validation. I think this is a solveable problem, but you want to characterize yourself as an abused captive so that you can justify your cheating and your decision to leave.

You're not an abused captive. Your husband's offense is that he's not assertive in defending you to your inlaws. (is the problem that maybe he thinks they're right?). This is surely frustrating, but it does not justify you cheating or you taking his baby and leaving the country.

So your in-laws are toxic? Well, what you do with toxic people is you stop associating with them. Don't go to their house. Don't invite them to yours.

And you certainly don't dump your kid for a week with people who criticize your parenting and then act surprised when they criticize you for dumping him on them.

Stop relying on them for assistance. Keep contact with them to a minimum, at reasonable times when your husband is there. If they are rude to you, get up and leave.

But these are the types of things you would do if you wanted to work things out. It seems to me that you just want validation and sympathy from people on the Internet.

throwawayawayawayy · 21 days

I think this is right and that many posters are being too hard on him. I have been in that awkward position of trying to handle these borderline advances from "friends.". It is very easy for everyone here just to say he should have been direct, but they weren't put on the spot. I understand the temptation in a moment like that to try to brush it aside and make light of it to avoid confrontation.

What I suggest is that the two of you talk through how he might handle things the next time this comes up. If you really brainstorm it I am sure you two can figure out a way of handling this that is sufficiently assertive that you feel good about it, while not being so confrontational that it makes him uncomfortable.

tidderor · 21 days

My husband has an awful ex and the way I deal with it is to mostly keep my distance and let her be his problem. I listen and am supportive, but dealing with her is not a major part of my life.

If you want to work things out with this girl, this is what you do. First, dial things back and see her only when your daughter is with her mom. This serves two purposes First, it stems the damage that might occur if your daughter gets more attached and GF leaves anyway. You shouldn't be spending much time with her around your child unless you are reasonably sure this relationship is for the long haul.

Second, baby momma should not be bothering you during the times that your child is not with you. If she calls or texts, screen the calls. Don't answer unless it is an emergency or a truly valid question about your child that cannot wait for some reason.

Stop using your GF as an emotional sounding board. Find someone else to vent to about your problems with the ex.

Try to find ways to cut down the drama. Get a good lawyer if you don't already have one. Look into mediation. Get a good parenting plan and court order, and stick to its terms. Once you have a solid parenting plan in place, this should cut down the opportunities for arguments drastically.

ericxfresh · 26 days

I interpreted it a little differently than manicpoohbear. I do think its good to have your own interests and activities. But I think it was more about not forgetting to court each other, to keep doing new and interesting things together and to keep from falling into a roommate-like rut. Be lovers, not roommates or business partners.

And of course, you share your life and confidences; that's entirely consistent with being lovers as well.

Pineapple_Sauce · 26 days

This is all about your ego. Something about this breakup has somehow caused you a deep ego wound.

I had a similar relationship and went through similar things. Thought about him constantly; couldn't stop thinking about the possibility of running into him, what I would say, etc. But didn't want him back at all.

In my case, my ego was inflamed because I was dumped summarily when I least expected it; it made me feel like I'd somehow been judged unworthy or inferior for reasons entirely unknown.

Can't tell from your post what exactly may have triggered your ego, but I'm pretty sure from what you described that this is what it is. There may also be an element of lack of closure/things left unsaid as well.

In terms of suggestions, I think it helps to remind yourself "this is just my ego talking." And work on things to ease those ego wounds. If there are things left unsaid, maybe write them in a letter (though it is often best not to send such letters; the process of writing it out can be helpful).

cheese7 · 26 days

Talk to her about this.

Odds are there's nothing to worry about. It's sometimes hard to cut all contact with someone that, for a significant period of time, shared nearly everything in your life.

I have no feelings whatsoever for any of my exes, but I still find myself curious from time to time. I'll periodically send a short "how are things going" type message, or look at their Facebook profiles, or something of the sort.

But I know better than to maintain a lot of contact with any of them. Boundaries are very, very important. This is a good thing for you and your girlfriend to talk about to be sure you are on the same page with regard to boundaries with any M-F friendship that either of you may have.

ericxfresh · 26 days

You're over thinking things a bit. Many relationships fade out; only the rare and truly important ones last long-term. Sometimes people like each other initially, then realize they're not really it for each other. That's pretty normal, actually.

In terms of the seduction/dominance stuff, don't let that stuff cloud your views on relationships. I think seduction can be helpful for introverts/socially awkward people in terms of helping them learn to break the ice and be confident and casual initially. When it comes to initial attraction, women love confident and casual approaches.

But when you become relationship partners, women don't want to be dominated. [At least not healthy ones - though no offense or opinion meant with regard to BDSM type relationships]. "Establishing dominance" often translates to "being a jerk" or "not doing your part in the relationship." Healthy, emotionally mature women will not stay with a man that treats them like that.

When it comes to keeping love alive long-term, the best advice I ever got was from a Frenchman who told me "Never forget you are zee lovers. Do not become too familiar wiz one another." Familiarity breeds contempt, so if you think you have a pattern of falling into ruts and routines, try to keep things more active and spontaneous in your next relationship.

n33dr3dditadvic3 · 26 days

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide.

purplepillow · 27 days

He needs to cut off all contact with her. If he's reluctant, make him talk to you about why.

It could be that some of this "she's dying and has had this tragic existence so I must remain friendly with her" is actually exaggerated and that he is using this as an excuse to maintain contact. He may like the attention, he may want to keep his options open, or both.

If it's not exaggerated, he's not helping her at all by keeping open a "friendship." She clearly is interested in more. Stringing her along is not kind. The fact that she continues to pursue her tells you she thinks she has a chance. Even if your BF has expressed to her verbally that he's in a committed relationship, something about his actions is leading her to believe otherwise.

His sense of guilt is probably misplaced. His exit from her life would probably not have a devastating effect on her life. She's been through much, much worse. She may be displeased at him cutting off contact, but it's unlikely she'll be overly distraught. The loss of a boy toy may not phase her much at all.

If he really can't handle the "guilt" of cutting contact, perhaps he should just choose her over you, and go to her and emotionally support her, hold her hand on her deathbed, and all that. But he shouldn't keep her in limbo and he should not continue a relationship with you under these disrespectful circumstances.

n33dr3dditadvic3 · 27 days

I think you should decide later. You don't have to decide today, or when she gets back, or in a week or in a month. You shouldn't make an important decision like this until you are in a calm emotional state. Let her wait it out. If she's committed to you, she'll still be there. If she runs off to someone else or won't be patient with you while you deal with the incredible emotional damage she's caused, that answers the question for you.

Here are some things to think about. If you do return, you need to think about how you can have a healthy relationship after her infidelity. I've tried, and it is really, really hard. You can't police her or monitor her every move, especially since she has a job that involves traveling. You have to let her go, and you have to be able to not hold this over her head forever. If you do, at some point she'll just get sick of being punished for a crime with a sentence that never ends and will leave you anyway.

And even then, chances are she'll cheat on you again. That's what happened to me, and to most people that take back cheating spouses. This is someone that thought it was OK to do what she did up until she got caught. Sure, now she's sorry. But if she hadn't been caught she'd have keep this up for as long as it suited her. Where was her conscience? Why wasn't she concerned while this was going on about the potential destruction of your relationship and the extreme emotional damage you'd feel if you found out?

Her affair is NOT your fault and you should stop making any excuses for her behavior. Your mistakes are separate,

But they still are something you should really explore. It's interesting to me that you aren't really interested in doing the work of maintaining your relationship unless you are in fear of losing her. That's not love. That's fear of being alone, fear of losing something pretty good and not being able to find something better.

Do not stay with her because you're afraid you won't find someone better. You were not crazy about her in the beginning. She may have great qualities but you can say that about practically anyone. Qualities aren't what count. It's about the emotional connection and bond you feel with someone.

You found her clingy and pushed her away, then regretted it after sleeping with an ugly girl. You took her back not because you truly loved her, but because you were afraid she was the best you could get. But the best you can get is someone who does not make you feel that way. With that girl, you won't be turned off by her wanting to spend time with you (and maybe she's more independent as well). Don't spend your life struggling to stay in a broken relationship. Free yourself and find a healthy one.

purplepillow · 27 days

If she is "destroying your relationship" it is only because your boyfriend is letting her.

This is his fault, not hers. She's pursuing him because his conduct leads her to believe she has a chance.

She owes you no "respect." Your boyfriend does, though he sure seems not to have any.

This guy is not committed to you. He lived with another woman while you were still involved. Now that he's back, he's still in contact with her and has not set proper boundaries to the detriment of your relationship.

Let the 40 year old have her boy toy and find a man that values you enough not to behave like this.

Floex-uk · 29 days

I got this from a tip somewhere on reddit; wish I could remember who to credit.

Set your alarm far enough away that you must sit up to turn it off. And when it goes off, just stay sitting up.

Sit there as long as you want. You don't have to get out of bed until you're ready. Just sit up and stay sitting up.

For some reason it works for me, whereas putting alarms across the room or even all around the house didn't. I'd get up, turn those off, and go back to sleep.

But it's somehow easier when you don't have to get up, you just have to sit up.

Also, helps to have a glass of water by your bed so you can take a few sips when you're ready.

tidderor

TROPHY CASE

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