soniabegonia

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TROPHY CASE


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DAE make a point to talk to less popular people, because you know how it feels to be the outcast? by sweetmojaveraiinin DoesAnybodyElse

[–]soniabegonia 23 points24 points ago

There's a guy at my workplace a lot of other people like to make fun of in a really mean way. He's not even all that awkward or weird -- he just doesn't have much of a filter, so he'll sometimes overshare or things like that. I try to make a point of talking to him without other people around or single him out in groups to talk to just me because it really bothers me when everyone's picking on him.

I don't do it because I feel he's a charity case but because I like talking to him and when other people are making jibes it sort of ruins my nice conversation.

Help me find a bow tie to match this dress. by macintoshgeekin fashion

[–]soniabegonia 0 points1 point ago

Colour matching online will be very difficult. You could try a paisley pattern or some other way of getting lots of pinks and oranges, but otherwise I would recommend getting a nice contrasting colour bowtie, like blue.

DAE get all dressed up and cute looking only to regret it when leers and catcalls flood in? by lillithbearein TwoXChromosomes

[–]soniabegonia 0 points1 point ago

I grew up in Hyde Park, but it's true of any of the neighborhoods on the South or West sides. I was friends with a big Haitian girl growing up and she would call me up to escort her when she wanted to go to stores a mile west of us because we combined got fewer catcalls than she did alone.

How much does yarn have to cost to make completely unravelling a sweater worth it? by pazzypunkin knitting

[–]soniabegonia 6 points7 points ago

Find someone big to give it to! If you can't do that, frog. It doesn't take too much time, and you get some nice "new" yarn to play with. Just put on a movie and let 'er rip :o)

DAE get all dressed up and cute looking only to regret it when leers and catcalls flood in? by lillithbearein TwoXChromosomes

[–]soniabegonia 0 points1 point ago

Sure. I think most women don't mind being politely complimented, or striking up conversations with strangers. But most women do mind being overtly sexualized without their consent. Hence the difference between an appreciative glance and a stare, and calling someone "beautiful" versus calling attention to a particular sexual aspect of their body. There is a right way and a wrong way to approach someone you find attractive and might want to spend the rest of your life with. I know a couple who met on a plane flight because the guy changed seats to sit next to her because he thought she was hot. They just got married this year and are about to have their first child.

DAE get all dressed up and cute looking only to regret it when leers and catcalls flood in? by lillithbearein TwoXChromosomes

[–]soniabegonia 5 points6 points ago

There's a difference between glancing and staring, just as there's a difference between saying "Hello, beautiful" and "Hello, tits."

DAE get all dressed up and cute looking only to regret it when leers and catcalls flood in? by lillithbearein TwoXChromosomes

[–]soniabegonia 1 point2 points ago

Around where I live, bigger girls get catcalled with way more frequency than I do. I think it really does have more to do with where you live than what you look like. In my neighborhood in Chicago, men seem to throw out a catcall or a compliment (depending on context) almost as a reflex.

DAE get all dressed up and cute looking only to regret it when leers and catcalls flood in? by lillithbearein TwoXChromosomes

[–]soniabegonia 1 point2 points ago

That's an interesting one for me because there are a lot of women for whom a comment like "Smile, you're so pretty!" can really make their day if they were feeling down. I used to read Gives Me Hope regularly and the number of stories from women who'd just been told to smile posting there about how wonderful it made them feel really made me reconsider how I felt about that comment. If I were a man I'd err on the side of caution and not say it just in case since it seems to be pretty polarizing anyway, but it does actually seem to be a very nice thing for a lot of women.

DAE get all dressed up and cute looking only to regret it when leers and catcalls flood in? by lillithbearein TwoXChromosomes

[–]soniabegonia 7 points8 points ago

I think you hit the nail right on the head. There is safety in numbers, size, and brawn: These men know that they're safe making those comments because, really, they are. What's the worst that you as a 5'2" woman can realistically do to a group of five big tall men? Make them feel embarrassed. What's the worst that they can do? Gang rape and murder. Not that it would necessarily come to that -- I don't think all men are evil or anything -- but if they're acting like that, then there's that chance they might be one of the tiny proportion that is.

DAE get all dressed up and cute looking only to regret it when leers and catcalls flood in? by lillithbearein TwoXChromosomes

[–]soniabegonia 5 points6 points ago

This is a great elaboration of the difference between a sexual comment and sexual harassment. Only thing I might add is respect -- sexy compliments are given respectfully, and harassment is not. For example, if the recipient of a sexy compliment is offended, the giver of the compliment might apologize; a harasser never apologizes.

You could say my Christmas went well this year. ♥ O ♥ by milksporesin Baking

[–]soniabegonia 1 point2 points ago

That is such an adorable picture!

DAE get all dressed up and cute looking only to regret it when leers and catcalls flood in? by lillithbearein TwoXChromosomes

[–]soniabegonia 3 points4 points ago

No, I think it depends on where you are geographically. I grew up in a not-so-nice neighborhood in Chicago, so it's fairly frequent there, but in other places that I've lived it's non-existent. What kind of area do you live in?

DAE get all dressed up and cute looking only to regret it when leers and catcalls flood in? by lillithbearein TwoXChromosomes

[–]soniabegonia 7 points8 points ago

Very reasonable questions. Your first question -- "Why is it creepy to stare at a beautiful woman if it is not creepy to stare at a sunset?" -- doesn't take into account that a sunset is inanimate. You don't have to be concerned with how a sunset will feel about being scrutinized, or what the sunset will think if you tell it you think it's beautiful. The sunset doesn't care.

I don't think anyone would tell you that making a comment to your friend about a beautiful woman walking by is wrong, like you would about the sunset, but telling the beautiful woman that you like her cleavage, quite simply, threatening.

I think it is very hard for most men to empathize with how threatening sexual attention actually is for most women, so here is an analogy: Imagine if a gorilla were trying to make it known to you that he thought you would make a nice lady-gorilla. Maybe he's just fucking with you, but maybe he's not, and he's planning to drag you into that alley or follow you until you're alone and make you his lady-gorilla whether you want it or not. Now, not all men who want to compliment nice young ladies are gorillas and certainly not all men on the whole are, but men are bigger and stronger than women, and some men are gorillas.

Now imagine the gorillas have man-suits and you can't tell them apart from nice young gentlemen. As a woman, you are constantly playing a guessing game to try to find the gorillas. Unfortunately, that means if a man says something that might be sexual, it's in the woman's best interest to err on the side of interpreting it as a danger.

As far as work-related situations go, that is actually very tricky because a lot of work environments have strict rules against employee relations. Besides which, it's just a bad idea! Think really, really hard about what you want to accomplish by complimenting a woman you work with about her low-cut or close-fitting garments. Do you just want to tell her she looks nice? Then tell her she looks nice today and be done with it. Do you want to bone her? Then hang out with her outside of work, and keep your sexual compliments off-campus. But think really, really hard about whether it's worth it to pursue that, given that you have to work together.

I can give a couple examples of good and bad attempted compliments/pickups from my own experience.

Negative example: There was a security guard at my workplace that I frequently said hello to, sometimes shared a few lines of conversation with, nothing more. Then one day he told me he wanted me to show him around the city and I should give him my phone number. He was being kind of pushy: I had never offered to show him around, but he was trying to invite himself over to my place, so I told him no.

All that was fine.

But then he kept pestering me. He would not stop. I told him directly: "I am not going to give you my phone number. Stop asking." He kept asking. I told him that we have a company directory and he can look up my email address if he really wants to talk to me. I then sent the resulting email chain to HR and I think he was fired. He certainly stopped working the front desk. I also checked with some other young women who work there and they said he did the same thing to them.

Another mixed positive/negative example from work: I used to ride the company-provided shuttle to and from work and talk with the shuttle drivers (I live closer to campus now). The morning shuttle driver asked if I wanted to bring a group of friends I was in charge of entertaining to a free concert at his other workplace that weekend, so we exchanged numbers.

We didn't go to the concert, but he and I kept in contact (I'd stopped riding the shuttle at that point) and a few weeks later we met up for lunch in the city, which I thought was just a friendly thing since he is old enough to be my father. So far so good. But as soon as I got in his car he started driving me out of the city ... he put his hands on my neck in a strangle-hold jokingly at one point ... and then he started telling me graphically about losing his virginity. While I am trapped in his car. After he has touched me on one of the most vulnerable parts of my body without my invitation. When he had never made any indication that this was supposed to be a "date." Line: crossed. I told him to pull over and let me out of the car. He might have been able to swing a nice mistaken first date if he had not touched my neck and graphically described sex acts to me.

Positive example: I am walking around my neighborhood in Chicago, which is not such a nice neighborhood, and smiling and nodding to everyone, as is my wont. A nice young man says "Hey pretty lady!" I say, "Hey, how you doin'," and keep walking. End of conversation.

Negative example: I got on the bus to ride home. As soon as the doors close behind me, a man says "I'm looking for a sexy white bitch to impregnate!" The bus starts moving. There is no escape.

Positive example: Walking around my neighborhood wearing a nice dress and heels. Comment: "You look great!" End of conversation.

Negative example: Car pulls over to me (I'm on the sidewalk) when I'm walking home. Driver rolls down the window and asks how much it would cost to spend the rest of the night with me.

Positive example: I sit next to a man on the bus and he compliments my big long winter coat, saying he's glad to see a pretty lady taking good care of herself and making sure to keep warm. He strikes up a conversation about god knows what and when I get off at my stop he gives me his business card. (I didn't call him, but that's how you do it.)

Negative example: I walk past a man in a wheelchair with three friends. He says, "Damn, I'd walk again for an ass like that!"

Positive example: Again, walking around and smiling at people, wearing my big ol' winter coat. Man says, "Why you covering up your pretty frame on a day like today?" I tell him it's cold out and keep walking. He laughs and says it's not that cold. End of conversation.

TL;DR Give general, polite, non-sexual compliments, and don't be pushy. Don't say anything to a stranger you wouldn't say (or want said) to your niece. If you want to tell a woman that you work with that you find her cleavage distracting, don't.

DAE get all dressed up and cute looking only to regret it when leers and catcalls flood in? by lillithbearein TwoXChromosomes

[–]soniabegonia 0 points1 point ago

Good advice pointing out that if you are inside an establishment, there are Rules that can be Enforced. I would add re: public transportation that if you are on a bus or a train with a conductor (not possible everywhere), the closer you can sit to the conductor, the better the passengers will behave.

DAE get all dressed up and cute looking only to regret it when leers and catcalls flood in? by lillithbearein TwoXChromosomes

[–]soniabegonia 2 points3 points ago

Yeah. I agree with the OP that you can and should empower yourself, but at the heart of it you are absolutely right: You're not making yourself into a victim, the harasser is. You can do everything you can to not let yourself be made into a victim, but you are not the one instigating victim-hood here.

DAE get all dressed up and cute looking only to regret it when leers and catcalls flood in? by lillithbearein TwoXChromosomes

[–]soniabegonia 2 points3 points ago

I think you make a good point: Ask a man who doesn't understand cat-calling how he'd feel if an older man, six inches taller and fifty pounds heavier, were looking at him like he hoped he was about to drop the soap, as it were.

I've not personally known many homophobes in my time but of those I have, a common fear was "They'll think I'm sexy! They'll try to poke my butt to make me gay!" Even the thought of being potentially leered at is threatening.

DAE get all dressed up and cute looking only to regret it when leers and catcalls flood in? by lillithbearein TwoXChromosomes

[–]soniabegonia 4 points5 points ago

It is worse if you wear a skirt or tight clothing. Or if you smile or make eye contact. Or, god forbid, respond if someone says "Good afternoon."

Which is not to say that everyone in a not-so-good neighborhood will drool over you even if you are wearing a cute, low-cut dress and smile and say "Hello!" But you are much more likely to get comments like "Hey, I'm looking for a sexy white bitch to impregnate" (direct quote) under these conditions:

1) Wearing cute, feminine, or form-fitting clothing. 2) Alone. 3) Low-income neighborhood.

Catcalls occur even when none of these conditions are met, but they are most frequent when one or more of them is.

DAE get all dressed up and cute looking only to regret it when leers and catcalls flood in? by lillithbearein TwoXChromosomes

[–]soniabegonia 16 points17 points ago

In some cultures it's a compliment. Doesn't change the fact that in other cultures it's degrading. Part of being an adult is recognizing that not everyone can read your mind and knows that you mean your potentially degrading comment to be a compliment, just as part of being an adult is not getting offended at every little thing.

First ever fudge attempt. Nailed it? NAILED it. by ChicagoMemoriain Baking

[–]soniabegonia 0 points1 point ago

I was sure this was going to be a picture of an empty pan, maybe with an SO caught in the act of licking it out. :) Looks delicious!

Couple pic! (I'm the >_O one) by danlevin lgbt

[–]soniabegonia 0 points1 point ago

I love your emoticon description of yourself -- so apt. Very cute picture :)

What strange compliment do you seem to get a lot? by hedgehog15in AskReddit

[–]soniabegonia 2 points3 points ago

I am not sure if you are joking, but I will jump right in here and say that nice forearms and hands are actually SUPER important. It's way sexy if a guy rolls up his long shirtsleeves, maybe to help you with the dishes after you've made him a nice dinner, and his forearms are well-shaped with a nice tan and some sun-bleached golden hair on 'em ...

Drool.

What strange compliment do you seem to get a lot? by hedgehog15in AskReddit

[–]soniabegonia 0 points1 point ago

"You are a surprisingly good dancer."

When prodded, he said "You know, because of the boots ..."

(I live in the woods and walk to and from work, which involves walking through tick-infested grass, and thus frequently wear knee-high Doc Martens.)

My first knitting project. I have no idea what it is supposed to be, but I'm proud of it :) by autumnrayne464079in knitting

[–]soniabegonia 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Yay! Fold it in half and make a pillow!

My Girlfriend Is Driving Me Crazy by BolshevikMuppetin relationship_advice

[–]soniabegonia 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Do you communicate other ways (e.g., IM, email)? That doesn't sound like much contact at all.

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