Going through separation/divorce.

dzdncnfsd · 1 year

You're not an SOB. You got married pretty young, is all. I have to hand it to you because you actually talked to your wife and you went to marriage counseling before you got to where you are now. I wish more people would do that.

freshtex · 1 year

when I started reading comments on reddit :(

Edit: Feeling even older now that I've read comments on this thread :((

dzdncnfsd · 1 year

Here's something you don't hear much: "I finally got complete closure because I met with my ex and we had a good talk, so now I can finally move on."

What can she say to you that will give you closure? Closure comes from accepting the past and the present... closure comes from within. You're still looking to her to make you feel better. Can you see why this is unhealthy?

WhatDoesThisMeanGuys · 1 year

If your ex is in the mix, then "us" won't work anyway so why talk about it.

musmusmus · 1 year

if she said "good night" in the text, then she's saying good night.... meaning, she may not respond. Nothing to read into here, bud. Quit with the scenario generators.

getox · 1 year

(hear me out!)

I did, expecting this to possibly be unique, but it's not...

I've been closeted for 4 years and I thought I finally found someone who I would like to be with.

You are a little desperate... If this great, gorgeous, lovely guy showed some interest, there will be others too. Give it some time and do it right.

helping_mom_divorce · 1 year

Have your Mom ask her attorney.

sendmealink · 1 year

Some people make up their mind about a relationship before they tell you that something's wrong. Others will bring it up when there's still time to fix things. You need to figure out if she's the first type or the second type... that will tell you if you need to bail.

jonnygohome · 1 year

Asking is pretty much equivalent to saying you're interested

What's wrong with implying that you're interested?

ifeelcheated · 1 year

She has chosen to horribly betray the most important person in her life for something that wasn't real. She lived a secret life for 18 months while pretending to love you. She has shown you what love means to her. She has shown you what she's capable of doing.

She is one of those people who confuses love and infatuation. Like Mishmow said, "love" is the biggest excuse of all, enabling people to make hurtful decisions, when the real motivator is not love, but selfishness and fear.

How can you ever be comfortable with her again? I don't think you can unless she fundamentally changes and even if she does, how can she ever prove that to you? It doesn't matter how much love there is... cheating is like salting the earth, it destroys love by giving it no place to grow any more.

doncobb · 1 year

This is a breakup, not a "break" so don't treat it like one. Follow the usual advice.

Thac0 · 1 year

Dude, it's over. When people say "deal with it", it doesn't mean that it's easy or cliche. You have to move on, and it's going to be hard.

deadfoot · 1 year

I agree with most of what you say (here and in all your posts) but...

Why do you want to be with a Christian anyway?

...reads a little like you're proselytizing.

deadfoot · 1 year

Personally, I don't see a problem with the religion issues and kids, even if you're atheist and she wants the kids to be brought up Christian. I think that the kids will make up their own minds when they're older. I mean, kids hate church anyway so it's not like they're gonna get brainwashed. JMO. I hate seeing religion causing problems in the world and splitting people apart when just accepting each other's views seems so easy to do.

I'd be more concerned that she'll try to convert you, but you probably already have a good feeling for whether she can accept your religious views or not.

The sex thing, now that is scary. I think it's important to have a good, healthy sexual relationship in marriage... and you have no idea whether that will happen. This would be a dealbreaker for me, but you have to decide for yourself.

FlySwat · 1 year

Your wife should not be spending the night with men if the kids are there. This is divorce 101. What she's doing is so unfair to the kids. You can put a clause into the divorce settlement barring overnights with the opposite sex when the kids are in the house.

Sorry for what you're going through... I went through something similar a few years back and I'm divorced now. I learned a lot and grew a lot from it all.

One thing I learned was that the affair was totally not my fault. It took me a little while to really have this sink in.

Another is that people in affairs can get hyper-infatuated very easily. Once they get out and start a real relationship, things often deteriorate, although it can take a year or three.

This is another reason to limit the time this man has in your kids' lives. It's a bad idea to have a revolving door of men, especially if your kids are 3 and 7. Your wife probably doesn't think this applies because she thinks she's found someone perfect... that's affair thinking, unfortunately. All I know for sure is that she's found someone who is capable of and willing to break up a family with kids. That doesn't sound very perfect to me.

Realize that your wife is probably not thinking very well right now... maybe you need to be the one to step up and limit the harm to the kids.

As for telling the kids... I would be careful about this. There's a tendency to want to hurt the ex when they've cheated on you, but using the kids to do this is the wrong way. You want the kids to have a good relationship with both parents. I decided that I'll tell my kids when they're older and out of the house.

howdoiheal · 1 year

Any chance you can get copies of all the current statements? Mortgage, bank accounts, 401K, investments? If not, do you at least know the places where your money is stored?

Go talk to a lawyer because you're worrying without knowing the facts that you need to know!

araythrowaway · 1 year

As she sees it, I should trust that she loves my cock, not all cock, and accept that she'll remain faithful

This isn't only about cock for you, though, is it? What's the deal with her and you, are you exclusive fuck buddies or are you in a monogamous loving relationship? Betrayal doesn't have to include sex. Maybe you need to discuss emotional monogamy with her. If she doesn't want that, then you have to decide if that's a dealbreaker.

chocojosh · 1 year

This is her daughter and you shouldn't try to help raise her. Sure, you can play with her, you can help out... but you're not the parent so leave the parenting to her mom.

If your girlfriend is involving you in parental decisions, you should be there mostly for support... go ahead and offer your opinions, but let your girlfriend make the decisions and do the parenting.

sana1004 · 1 year

Decide on your boundaries, and think about what the consequences of him violating those boundaries might be. Choose your boundaries and consequences carefully because you need to be prepared to actually follow through with the consequences. Then let him know again.

sana1004 · 1 year

Even if he's now telling the truth it's still bothersome because his first instinct is to lie. If this is a long term relationship (e.g. 2+ years), this would bother me even more because you two should have gotten to the point of total honesty and openness by now.

Oops, I now read some other comments of yours and this is a long term relationshipo.

A pattern of lies is a pattern of lies, even if they're presumably to "protect" the partner. Actually, I think the whole idea of lying to "protect" is aloof, degrading, and disrespectful... although I suppose it depends on the magnitude of the lies.

Still, lying about a girl calling is certain to bring up trust issues. This guy is somewhere along the continuum of clueless to untrustworthy.

Edit: I now also see your ages and that you've been dating since you were teens. You know, it takes time to get past old habits. It takes time to learn to be in a relationship. Your boyfriend has some learning to do and he needs to know that what he's doing simply can't fly in a good relationship.

howdoiheal · 1 year

How is that my failing?

It's not, obviously. This is one of the important things about overcoming infidelity... you need to get out of the mindset of blaming yourself.

Another tough thing is realizing that the person you thought you knew is someone entirely different. I'm still struggling a bit with this one after my 18 year marriage ended a couple years ago. Me and my kids are doing great post-divorce, btw!

howdoiheal · 1 year

I can't tell him we are over yet, because he will leave me with no financial security.

Why? Where I am, you get half the marital assets plus there's child support + alimony, giving you income until you can get on your feet. If you can remain civil during divorce it can be done fairly cheaply with mediation, leaving more money for both of you.

See a lawyer, let them tell you whether you'll have financial security or not. You shouldn't just assume... you need the facts.

How do I heal?

It's a process and it takes time. Start doing things for you (like checking into your rights if you divorce). Take your future into your own hands and avoid playing the victim, even though you probably feel like a victim right now.

r0tc0d · 1 year

Wait, is there a way for Chrome to not go to a search engine based on what's in the so-called omnibox?

countrygal_throwaway · 1 year

You're not alone, the first couple "antiversaries" are tough.

But frankly, I'm surprised you're asking on reddit. If you and your boyfriend have a closer relationship, and you've done a good job dealing with the infidelity, then you should be managing by sharing your feelings about the 1-year point with him.

itsnormal4us · 1 year

Move on. You don't need to keep the feelings bottled up, but don't tell her. Go get drunk with a friend and spill your guts.

dzdncnfsd

TROPHY CASE

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