GF just got admitted to the psych ward by her parents. No idea what to do, say, or how to respond.

notpsyched · 2012-05-19T14:01:42.693621+00:00

IBS is not a cop-out diagnosis, and you really don't help your girlfriend by airing that opinion in front of her. IBS is thought to have a connection with the brain and its chemistry. Emotional stress -- the type her parents are putting her through -- would make it worse.

It is not surprising that she would be having severe GI disturbances, given what she is going through with her parents. The brain and GI tract are intimately connected. We get "butterflies" in our stomach when we are nervous. Now amplify that with the feelings she is going through due to the conflict with her parents.

It sounds to me like, overall, she's in the best place for herself right now. Perhaps they'll put her on antidepressants, which may improve her IBS. Perhaps she'll wind up in family counseling, which may improve the relationship she has with her family. It sounds like whatever happened was a huge cry for help, a plea to get her parents to see that their blackmail is causing her mental, emotional and physical distress.

needanswersintn · 1 day

Take her to whatever country it is she thinks would be better. Let her spend time making her dream as close to real as possible. Then if it is her that's the problem, that will be her reality check.

Nice beach trip? Nah. That won't work. When you quit your job, you won't be able to afford that kind of vacation.

needanswersintn · 1 day

Consider that she's taking into account the whole family's needs, not just her own, but the kids and yours too. I can't say, I only have your post to go by. But consider it. You never know.

needanswersintn · 1 day

First, congrats for making it 17 years.

Your wife doesn't specify a country, does she? That would be important if it were me. Is this a pipe dream, or does she have concrete specifics? Has she researched this? Does she have a plan? Those sort of specifics indicate her seriousness about actually packing up moving, more than the "if you love me" line. The "if you love me" line without those specifics point more to a plea.. you know.. saying, "do you love me?"

That said, if you are in the US, and I'm going to assume you are, I wouldn't chalk up her lack of friends to "it's you" .. that's highly insulting to your wife ("do you love me?" ahem). The picture you paint of her is of a woman who home schools because she disagrees with how the public schools are run here. She may not have any friends simply because most of the people in your neighborhood are idiots. Who do not see as she does how bad the public schools are. Who do not see that this country is quickly going down the toilet, fast.

Her plea to move may be simply that: she wants to protect her family and get you all out of the country while you can still do so easily. Yes, it'll require sacrifices. Selling the house. Change of job. This is where the details really matter, does she have a plan?

If it's clear she envisions a different life entirely -- one that is not about the trappings of a good career, nice home, BBQ parties on the weekends, and mindless chatter about nothing -- then I think, after 17 years together, you owe it to her to take her seriously and really consider it.

By that, I mean, go to whatever country it is she wants to live in. Spend time there. Take a leave of absence, so you have more time than just a vacation. Make it real in whatever way you can. Give her the benefit of the doubt, keep an open mind. Find a midway strategy in which you spend some tome trying it all out. She may realize it's not any better, not what she imagined. Or you may realize it could be a wonderful, if totally unexpected, adventure for you both.

needanswersintn · 1 day

If she has problems making friends, a location change will do nothing.

Unless she's surrounded by assholes and small minds, in a country like the US which is in free fall decline, and in a city that is filled with close minded people who rattle on about celebrities and nothingness. She is home schooling her kids; I am betting this is the case. She is "bored" with the small minded gossip of people who don't see that this country is quickly and rapidly going straight into the toilet.

TL;DR: The OP doesn't say what city, or even what country. That could make a big difference.

Guoguodi · 1 day

Exactly. I have been around such situations (actually I nearly thought I knew the family in the article!!).

mingtehmerciless · 1 day

I found it! Thanks! Did a search on psychopath. Hate chiming in on 5 day old discussions. Oh well. The family in that article is strikingly similar to a family I know personally. I almost thought it might be them, but wrong state.

Guoguodi · 1 day

It's natural to think of them as somewhat sinister, because there's a tendency toward amorality that comes with disregard for others, but that's not quite the same as evil, is it?

One can be "moral" and still have disregard for others. I'm thinking of certain people of religious persuasions. I don't believe they intend malice or evil -- quite the contrary.

It's difficult to categorize, isn't it? Humans are complicated.

I know this thread is 5 days old. I only just read the article. I am surprised nobody pointed out that the 9-year old clearly knew the author was there to write about him. I find that absolutely appalling, on the part of the parents. Okay, if you want to do an article, fine; but videotape the kid, don't bring the reporter into your home. Do not tell me the parents weren't whispering about him while the kids all played in the background; it's clear they were and the kid knew it-- why else did he erase the tape recording???

I vote for the scenario that there's something amiss about their parenting. Mom has a psych background; she's loving this, eating it all up. Dad admits he was just like his son as a kid. This kid is merely what is known as the "target" patient. And he's quite bright. He is playing out the dynamics between his own parents. Very obvious to me.

Guoguodi · 1 day

Mom has a psychology degree. Dad admits he was just like his son at that age. Sorry, I don't see this as the kid being calculating. Very bright, yes. He's just mimicking what he's heard at home: mom diagnoses him. Dad empathizes because dad was just like him at that age.

mingtehmerciless · 1 day

That was interesting. Has this already been posted on Reddit somewhere? I have a lot of relevant comments.

apollostanley · 2 days

I want to know more about how the baby decision came about. The timing is suspicious here, it doesn't add up. I suspect you're re-writing your history, which is very common when we get ourselves into such pickles and want to rationalize our actions to self and others.

Two years ago you fell in love.. Baby is 5 months old.. 5+9 = 14 months. That leaves you 10 months of falling in love/trying to "do the right thing" breaking off all contact... and "somewhere in there" you and wife decided it was good idea to get pregnant .. and boom she is pregnant.

It was an idiot move and others are already telling you that. That is not my intention here. I'm more intrigued by the emotional reasons behind it all.....

See, it's incredibly common for couples to fear deepening intimacy and dependency. Scares the crap out of them. You know the most common times for an affair? 1) right before marriage; 2) shortly after marrying; 3) BIRTH OF A BABY; 4) long-distance move; 5) death of a loved one; 6) loss of job; 7) illness of spouse. Why is that? Because all of these milestones represent times when the couple naturally becomes more dependent, and more committed -- whether by choice or not. We panic. Oh yes, we do. And we go out and fall in love with others. As a way to keep one foot firmly on the floor, while the other is on the bed.

So yes, I am questioning your story arc here. I think more is going on than you realize. I suspect your wife wanted to take your relationship into the next phase, after 11 years, it's only natural. I suspect this decision to have a baby was not sudden, but long percolating. And you two took that next step -- but now you're completely, totally 100% freaked out. Because even if you divorce, you and your wife are forever going to be parents of your child. You may be able to undo the marriage, but not that part.

So, this other woman -- safely far, far away -- is your foot on the ground. It's helping you manage your anxiety over your changing reality.

It's not fair to your wife or to your crush, but yes, it's very common. Google Bowen Family Dynamics, and Triangle Relationships.

You're a bit of a cliche, but that's okay. You're human. Breathe.

Don't really have much more advice there. Just offering possible meta-insight into your actions. Do with it what you will. Really, it doesn't matter what I say. You'll do whatever you will -- and rationalize it after the fact. We ALL do that.

stickvictim · 2 days

Well that does it. Guess I need to now start a post for all those sisters who reach that age when they become INVISIBLE. Doesn't matter whether ugly or beautiful. With age, we all eventually become invisible, when the estrogen wanes, our face sags with wrinkles, and our hair turns gray.

And, at first it's a shock... so much of our identity is wrapped up in how we look, whether ugly or beautiful. But then it settles in and it's totally cool. We're like the Invisible (Wo)Man. Super Powers. We can sit back invisibly and watch threads like this, and chuckle.

I know you hate to hear it (just as I hated to have my cheeks pinched and told "oh you are so CCUUUUUTTEEEE as_a_BUTTON!!!") but you ARE beautiful. I don't even need to see a picture of you. I can tell by your words.

radbrad7 · 2 days

I have the worse luck with TJ's produce-- as much as I love them for everything else.

I just spent $50 at Whore Foods, and thought of you. I do feel your pain. Most of what I bought went into dinner tonight, with enough for leftovers for lunch tomorrow and possibly a third meal. Exceptions: loaf of bread, box of truffles, two boxes of ice cream popsicles, two tubs of yogurt. How do I rationalize it? Americans spend far less of a percentage of their income on food, than anywhere else in the world. I am okay paying a larger percentage because food is a necessity, a pleasure, it keeps me healthy, etc. I'd much rather cut back elsewhere, rather than go cheap here.

Nothing went bad because we purchased today, came home, cooked it right away, and ate it. That's how most of the world does it, actually. The US is just all weird when it comes to food and the value we put on it.

radbrad7 · 3 days

spent $50 and filled 1 paper bag, intentionally bought conventional produce, it was rotting within 24 hours.

I don't want to defend Whore Foods too much, but it's possible that you don't know how to choose and store produce properly. The "conventional" produce you get in the big supermarkets is often not ripe (they pump it with chemicals and cover it in wax to make it look ripe) and that's why it lasts so long. Or you bought the cheapest produce and it was marked down because it was already past its peak.

Dudelookslikealady · 3 days

Apology accepted. Thanks for clarification. Yes, I can see how I left that last statement dangling and as an unfinished, secondary thought.

Dizzm · 3 days

This mother's actions aside, I think it's horrible that you, as a "friend," are posting her pictures all over Reddit, and soliciting comments. Is her profile public or friends-only? Because if these pictures were friends-only, that is even worse.

I don't know, it sounds to me like you may have a bone to pick with her that is beyond just this. If you are sincerely concerned about her child, call CPS -- don't poll Reddit. I somehow figure that's not your concern. I am guessing you want to slander her, and get revenge or something.

I mean, you don't even block out her face? What's up with that?

TL;DR: Your actions are just as questionable as hers.

Dizzm · 3 days

This book makes a case for why nobody before the age of 21-23 should touch even a drop of alcohol:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Primal-Teen-Discoveries-Teenage/dp/0385721609/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1337136921&sr=8-1

I read it years ago so don't make me cite anything from memory. Read it yourself, if interested. I had my kids read it when they turned 13. There's a lot more to the book -- the alcohol part is just one chapter. After reading that chapter, I told them, "It's your brain, so it's your choice." And because of this book, neither one has touched the stuff. My daughter just got through her freshman year without one drop. Why? Because the book makes a very good scientific case that alcohol -- in any amount-- effects the developing brain.

T9X9T · 3 days

If he was going to get married just because they had a kid, he'd have done it already.

Yes, my parents were of a different generation, that is true. They had cultural support and the economic picture, while still a struggle, was far better than it is today. That said, my parents have always said that every year on their anniversary they decide whether they want to commit to another year. In other words, they are both free to end the marriage at any time. And there have been years when they might have done just that. It's a choice they made, young or not, kids or not, shared responsibilities or not.

If they do give it a shot, BOTH of them need to make room for each of them to have some leeway to experience their youth. He's had that, being away at college. She should get a chance too. Not saying necessarily they carve out an open relationship (unless they are into that), but just that he might encourage her to pursue her education, and to go out and party with her friends, be young and carefree.

What's worse than a spouse who's silently resenting his partner for having to clip his/her wings too early? A parent silently resenting his/her child. So it's okay to make some allowances there, to find responsible outlets to get out and have fun and do 18-21 year old type things.

... I guess what I'm reacting to here is all the posts that are insisting he "grow up!" ... well, I'm 46 and my parents are in their mid 70s and we'd all chuckle at that. We still don't feel we're "grown up." You can be responsible and do the right things by your kids and partner, and still be silly and youthful and enjoy childish things. These two are not mutually exclusive.

Dudelookslikealady · 3 days

Wow, I didn't paint it solely as an honesty issue. That's your filter/interpretation.

The guy in question was just too young to know himself. As I said in my post. You cannot be honest with others, if you don't know your own self. Lack of honesty was NOT the issue here-- he communicated with my friend all along. It wasn't like 15 years later he laid this all on her as a surprise. That did not make it any easier. Because as open minded as she is, she is straight as an arrow, and does not prefer sex with females. They really had no other option but to divorce. My friend is still young and vibrant enough to want to have an active, fulfilling sex life -- with a man.

The suggestion to "always be honest" is because it is simply great advice in all relationships, particularly sexually intimate ones. Perhaps I should have expounded upon that a bit more. If cross dressing is a sexual kink (and it may or may not be), tell your partner. Tell your partner about any sexual kink you might have. Because certain kinks can and do often become "deal breakers." Also just being honest ups the intimate quotient immensely. And, why would Dudelookslikealady want to date someone who's all weirded out about his cross-dressing??

Yes, life doesn't always work out the way one plans it. See my username and take note. It's an anecdote, that may explain why an otherwise open-minded person may say no, I don't wish to get serious with you. That is all.

T9X9T · 3 days

I'm old enough to be your mother, and I have a teen nearly your age. I really want to say "wow you are young for all of this responsibility" and sympathize with you. But, then I remember my own parents:

By 21, they already had three in diapers, and both of them were full-time college students. There are reasons to suspect that they "had" to get married, too. Yes, that was a different age... but my point is, they made it work -- the marriage and the family. They just celebrated 50 years together and they are sincerely, honestly, happily in love. Not just punching time on the card.

It does sound like you love the mother of your child. You certainly enjoy each other sexually, and let me tell you, that is half the battle of maintaining a great marriage over time. And you have a child together. Yes, there are lots of reasons to give this the best possible shot you can give it. In your favor, it sounds like your families are supportive. That's wonderful.

I do want to say that you shouldn't beat yourself over the head so much about being a crappy father to date, assuming you're going to shape up there going forward. Your kid needs you in his life. That said, at this age, and as infrequently as you've seen him, you are probably out-of-sight-out-of-mind, more like a cousin or uncle or babysitter that comes and goes. You aren't destroying his little psyche -- at least not just yet. So rest easily on that. And, if completing your college degree results in you getting a job that can help support your child, that's fabulous.

Good luck.

Dudelookslikealady · 3 days

And David Bowie is hawt.

Dudelookslikealady · 3 days

Hopefully you want honest answers, and not political correct ones. Date, yes, absolutely. Marry? I'd be super cautious. Why? Because I have a girlfriend who in her 20s married a guy in his 20s who was a cross dresser. He insisted that was all there was to it. Then 15 years later and two kids he decided he wanted a sex change operation. My friend is extremely open-minded, but this was not the marriage she signed up for. It wouldn't be the type of marriage I would sign up for either. So yeah... date casually, yes... anything more serious, no, probably not.

And yes, as someone who hangs out with a lot of cross dressers I very well know that cross dressing does not equal transgender nor does it equal gay. It's just that you are quite young. And you may not really know yourself yet.

Regardless, do tell the one you love. Be honest. Always be honest.

AIDsIsOneBadMother · 5 days

I don't know why you got downvoted. What you say is also true -- just as true as everyone saying she has a right to ask for testing. Testing alone isn't going to eliminate all risk, as restlessllama clearly explained. And someone who's clean today may not be clean tomorrow -- people can and do cheat. To protect oneself there is no sure thing. You can only do what is within your control. Have no sex ever. Or always practice safe sex. And, get tested not just at the beginning of a relationship, but periodically throughout it. Even if you believe with all your heart your partner is trustworthy, get tested anyway, because you could be wrong.

thickandrich · 5 days

I'm with musicmage4114 on this, but I will give your wife the benefit of the doubt here: you slept poorly because of your 3 year old. She probably did too. We usually act surly and cranky when we don't sleep well.

How often does your child sleep in your bed? Maybe the best mother's day gift -- and gift to your marriage -- is to start weaning him off of that. Consider such strategies as:

Get a small mattress and put it on the floor of your room for him.
Let him come into bed, but once he falls asleep, transfer him back into his own bed.
Tell him that mommy and daddy need their rest, and he needs to sleep in his own room.

Otherwise, she's not your mother. Your job is to slowly train your son over time to treat her the way she wants to be treated on mother's day. At the age of 3, yes you're going to be required to supervise and get heavily involved here. And it's quite likely that she's not going to get the leisure to sleep in very long, if her son is eager to serve her breakfast in bed, the card he made for her, and the flower he picked from the garden.

Hopefully if you two can get some decent, quality sleep, this will all iron itself out. Give both of you the benefit of the doubt here.

By the way, just curious: how have you all celebrated Father's Day?

iamathrowawaytoday9 · 6 days

When you graduate, will you all be moving away? This part has me confused. If you are all getting jobs and will be far-flung in a short time, is L and D looking at this as just a fling that won't go beyond that? Do they care that little for you that they would go there for a fling? If so, you don't need friends like that.

If however you all three will continue living together or in same town, and working together, after you graduate, that's a different story. If you are all about to depart, more or less (not including the trip this summer), then consider that this is all happening because the three of you want to explode your connection to each other, so it doesn't hurt so much when you move on and into adulthood. Yeah, seniors do that sort of thing -- unconsciously.

It's also a different story if L and D genuinely develop feelings for each other, and are not just eager to act on their raging hormones, despite the consequences to you. If their feelings are strong enough they are both willing to risk your friendship, then it should be difficult for you not to find a way to get over this, and give them both your blessing. I know it hurts right now. It will get easier and easier, quicker than you can imagine, if you see for yourself how happy they make each other. Just hang in there.

That said, do realize that if you continue the way you are going, you are only fanning the flames higher between them. You've given them great reason to feel their love will be forever unrequited -- because they both can't do that to you. Yeah. They are ALSO falling into the love martyr trap - for your sake. Consider if you step away completely and resolutely, the fire between them may quickly extinguish, if it's only being fed by the illicit, "we know this is wrong; we can't do that to our dear friend" nature of it.

Oh, and as a general rule among me and my friends, we all are allowed just one guy that is forever hand's off. But only one. It's just the reality of how hearts work. There's always that one.

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