DAE sometimes feel like they might never actually find a SO?

ManInTheMirage · 2012-05-19T20:43:24.048237+00:00

I'm fairly good at making friends with strangers.

This also sounds like my friend. She's relatively outgoing, and likes to help people. She can be really nice. It's just that she has some faults that are easy to overlook in friends (although sometimes they can be irritating), but hard to overlook in an SO.

A friend of a friend sounds like a good idea. You could also try asking for a complete stranger on Craigslist or a dating site... although make sure they're not a serial killer :D

ManInTheMirage · 2012-05-19T19:43:43.700204+00:00

God, I have a (female) friend who is exactly like you. She's nice (usually) and socially outgoing, but she's the epitome of Debbie Downer - and she somehow doesn't realize it. I wish I had advice to give, but we still haven't figured out how to get her to stop grating on people's nerves.

Hm. Do you have a (different) female friend - or you could even request the help of a random stranger - to go on a "date" with you and be painfully honest with you about your behavior? Because several of your responses have been shunting the blame away from yourself, at least a little:

Perhaps women I'm dating also have a much higher bar after being single themselves, and are not willing to settle for me

and

I moved to a new country all alone. A country that believes that good fences make good neighbors.

ManInTheMirage · 2012-05-19T19:37:24.923145+00:00

Oh my god, you are ADORABLE.

ManInTheMirage · 2012-05-19T19:36:01.642375+00:00

I think the people who (often obsessively) plan, think, and predict the kind of person they're going to date... those are often the ones who don't end up with anyone, or end up in a series of failed relationships. When you start picturing it too much, you A) create an image that no one can live up to, and/or B) overlook very good potential SOs because they're not similar to what you imagined. Plus, this kind of person tends to wait around for Mr/Ms Right to happen into their lives, instead of going out and making an effort to meet people - and valuing all the people they meet, not just the ones who are SO material.

Granted, none of this is written in stone, but I do see a few of my friends falling into these behaviors.

cannedtomatoes · 2012-05-19T19:26:30.754305+00:00

Having never seen a really super ugly kid (and I'm not a huge fan of kids, either), I'd say a "not cute" kid is one that's acting like a little shithead.

DoctorRobert420 · 2012-05-19T19:23:39.821596+00:00

The difference in phrasing is quite important. Saying "no" implies that you have some kind of control over her, like a parent saying "no" to their child. Telling her "I don't want you to" approaches the issue as her equal, not as someone who can make the decision for her. Approaching it in this way does not mean pussyfooting around the issue - he can put his foot down, but he needs to do that as her partner, not as her parent.

cjknjkn · 1 day

I was dating an insecure ~~woman in a male's body.~~ man.

cjknjkn · 1 day

It's called "swinging monkey syndrome," at least in my circles, and you're getting downvoted because it's something (some) people of both genders do.

DoctorRobert420 · 1 day

She's the only girl going who's boyfriend won't be there.

Whose decision was that - yours or hers? If you're choosing not to go, you don't get to complain that she's the only one going without her boyfriend, or that she's wearing skimpy things without you there.

Am I allowed to tell her not to?

No, but you're certainly allowed to tell her you aren't comfortable with it, and ask her not to, and you're also able to end the relationship. Honestly, if your interests and comfort zones are this different, that might be a good idea.

ruckus666 · 3 days

Obviously.

The chip is apparent because "hot" has little to do with the topic at hand (interest in children), suggesting it's a problem constantly lingering in his thoughts. It's also not just about "hot" - notice the part about needing to be supported? That's way out of left field.

Hey, who knows? Maybe he doesn't have a chip on his shoulder. But he certainly sounds like he does, and that's all it takes to make women nope the fuck off.

ornar · 3 days

The fact that she's crushing on someone she's roleplayed with, while barely talking to me makes it worse.

Yep, not cool.

She's only acknowledged me once today

No, not unusual or concerning, at least in and of itself. You don't need to be in constant contact with you SO.

ornar · 3 days

Have you ever read, written, or been involved in the fanfiction community? It's very interesting. I don't RP, but from what I've seen it's very much like several people writing a story together - not two people (or even several) directing communicating with each other.

The only advice I can offer is to perhaps read some smutty fanfiction (preferably a pairing you personally like) to get an idea of it, or maybe even participate in the RPing with her.

completely neglect me like she's been doing today. She just messaged me telling me she loved me, and that's all she's said to me all day.

While neglect is never a good thing in a relationship... this is a pretty sorry excuse for neglect. A lack of constant contact does not constitute neglect. How old are you?

Seaweeds · 3 days

For starters, assume that a one-on-one anything (movie, food, "hanging out") with someone who 1) you don't have a history of hanging out with one-on-one with, and 2) could be interested in you, could be a "I don't want to say the word date" date. The same goes for favors that go above and beyond basic friendship/acquaintance-ship from people you're not that close to.

I'm not saying you need to reject these things - just be aware of their potential implications, so you're more aware when you need to back off a little and/or let a person know you're only interested in being friends.

oahm_ · 3 days

You're confused? So's she. She just got out of a relationship and had drunken rebound sex. Let her know you're interested, but give her her space if she needs it.

throwawayA42 · 3 days

Very well said. Even good people can do bad, hurtful things, and "I didn't mean to" does not make it hurt any less. Learn from your mistakes, and move on.

jorsiem · 3 days

Invite friends over (or out, to places she probably won't show up to). That way you can control who is (and is not) present. Plus, everyone loves having someone else plan parties/hanging out, because it's a hassle.

ruckus666 · 3 days

hot my age and does not need to be supported by me

Maybe you're scaring them all away with that big chip on your shoulder?

youbegood · 4 days

Condition yourself not to think about her. Every time you catch yourself, say "fuck it!" and find something to distract yourself with. I find this TED talk at about 16 minutes to be quite applicable.

advocatadiaboli · 4 days

First of all... holy shit, if you can't afford it, don't buy it / eat out / see the show / drive unnecessarily / etc. Learn to budget.

When we eat at his house, he expects us to go pick up the meal from a grocery store, split the cost, and then he gets to keep whatever is left over.

This is better than the alternatives (going out and going to your place where he eats everything). It's pretty fair - the only inequality is that he keeps the leftovers. Consider picking up some cheap tupperware to take your half of the leftovers for lunch the next day. If he's got a problem with that, he's a scumbag, end of story.

He has chosen to drive more, but when he comes over, if we want to go out, I am expected to drive because he doesn't want to have to put any gas money in his parents' car.

Consider creating a little "gas money" pool that you both contribute equally to, and keep track of how many miles (or minutes, if it's short distances) you each drive (or any kind of system to keep track, really). Again - if this pisses him off, scumbag.

Since then, he told me he has vowed not to spend any money except for gas for his parents' car for a few weeks.

This is him communicating his need to budget (albeit a little unfairly). You need to do the same, instead of trying to be polite, or trying not to offend him, or whatever your reason is. Budget, set your limits, communicate your limits to him, and stick to them.

What are some fun, cheap or free activities or places we can go/do

Off the top of my head, going for walks, sports that don't require a lot of equipment, board games (there are a LOT of awesome games out there).

How can I bring this up to him without him getting defensive and feeling like I am attacking him, but to make a change in the direction my bank account is going?

Don't make it about the relationship at all, because it's not really. The problem is not the relationship - the problem is that you need to budget your expenses and cut back where necessary. Just let him know that you're having money troubles and explain what you can and cannot afford. If he still interprets this as an attack on him, I guarantee he knows he's a mooch and doesn't like that you're cutting him off.

Is it worth it to stay with him if nothing changes?

That's up to you - but you will have this kind of problem (to varying degrees) with any boyfriend, as long as one or both of you have financial issues.

ruinedforever · 4 days

Your description is so textbook rape that I actually suspect you're trolling.

CappuccinoBoy · 4 days

Does your girlfriend recognize that Kylie is a problem? If she does, steer her towards books and websites dedicated to dealing with "emotional vampires".

throwaway_968 · 4 days

He doesn't treat her the way she wants

Can you treat her the "way she wants"? Do you want to? Are her wants rational, or does she have unreasonable expectations? Are you sure she's not just complaining to you about the bad stuff in her relationship, and leaving out the good stuff? Some people are like that.

but she lost her virginity to him so it is pretty complicated.

Not... really, no. It doesn't have to be, and you shouldn't feed in to her/their belief that it's "complicated," or that there's any reason to keep the relationship going, just because virginity was involved.

I have grown attached to the girl since we talk every day and have a lot in common.

Be honest with yourself - how much of this is actually a bad relationship, and how much is you wanting to date her? It's always good to analyze your own motives.

A week ago her and I had a conversation about how she is dissatisfied with their relationship. That conversation turned into what would happen if her and I got together

If you're actually her friend, and you actually do think the relationship is bad for her, let her know without bringing up the issue of dating her yourself. She should end the relationship because he's not right for her, not because she's got a new boy who wants to date her. That is now you avoid being Scumbag Steve. You can ask her out after she's had a few months to get over him - although there's no getting around the problem of "dating a friend's ex."

Yyuuiop · 4 days

Oh just ask. It doesn't have to be a super serious conversation - just ask her "ew, is my breath gross?" or something like that. Let her know it's OK to bring up and you won't be offended.
If you have good hygiene and your breath is still bad, see a doctor. Mints won't really cover it if there's something wrong.
Lick your hand and wait for it to dry, then smell it.
Your breath doesn't have to be "fresh" as in "smells like your growing mint plants in your mouth" all the time. It just has not not stank.

12345throwawayex · 4 days

As hard as it would be not to verbally bash his head in... I'd delete the email. Just like arguing with trolls online, it will only make you angry and get you nowhere.

sigma89 · 6 days

Unless they're saying it any more seriously than most people would say "but... how do you not like pizza?! Everyone likes pizza!" I really would just shrug it off. People find it strange when others don't share a common preference.

advocatadiaboli

TROPHY CASE

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