My head says one thing, my hearts says the other, and I need a voice of reason

head_or_heart · 2012-05-18T17:22:49.504245-07:00

Has she expressed that she wants to get back together? Maybe she's over the relationship and these freakouts are her roundabout way of coming to terms with it.

If she's interested in giving things another try and willing to get counseling with you, it might work out -- these patterns can be changed, but she has to genuinely want them to change. She would also benefit from seeing a doctor to make sure there isn't actually something WRONG hormonally causing both the pregnancy scare and the moodiness.

AXP878 · 2012-05-19T00:06:03.345534+00:00

You think that until you experience it. Trust me, if you woke up and it was Gender Roles Opposites Day, it would not be a throng of Playboy bunnies gathering to comment on your junk while you try to listen to your iPod on the bus. It would be rough around the edges, kinda funny-smelling, tobacco-chewing women twice your age, and it would get old FAST.

AXP878 · 2012-05-18T23:53:10.763344+00:00

Yes, I read that.

Does having hair of an unusual color count as dressing for attention?

Does being fit count as dressing for attention?

Does having a pretty face count as dressing for attention?

AXP878 · 2012-05-18T22:25:28.826477+00:00

That's not really the case. My roommate rarely dresses "up," and I often do. We have the exact same body type, wear each other's pants, etc. She gets more street harassment than I do by about a factor of 5. Her big crime is having red hair, as far as we can tell. Should women who don't want to be the center of attention everywhere they go also have to dye their hair, wear dorky glasses, and get fat, in addition to avoiding attention-getting clothing?

Nihiliste · 1 day

She sounds responsible and sincere -- she won't be able to reply to people or schedule dates for a while, so she's disabling her profile. Or, she could be full of shit. You don't know until you meet her, so set a calendar reminder to check back around June 18 and see if she's back, then forget it for now.

panda_says · 1 day

A therapist is a person you consult when you want to work things out, generally, so it's no surprise that yours suggests continuing to work on the relationship. If you're ready to leave, then you should leave. If you want to keep trying, you should stay in therapy and listen carefully to the therapist. This is your decision to make, not the therapist's.

horny_for_my_wife · 1 day

Aww, poor thing! I can only imagine how sad and used this must make you feel.

Do consider that people don't always have a very good perspective on their own future prospects. Just like someone might think, "I'll lose weight later," or "He'll stop drinking once we're married," your wife might well have thought, "If I just keep having sex with him, my sex drive will come back soon."

Typical advice for women with a low sex drive is "just do it," and it sounds like she took that and "just did it" enough to make three babies -- and unfortunately, the promised return of her sex drive due to all the sex never materialized.

throwawayprobs22 · 1 day

Honestly, I want to know why you are making this effort for him. He's basically announced that you don't mean anything to him. I think the trip is just asking for him to hurt you again. But if you're committed to continuing to try to be his daughter whether or not he wants to be your father, just enjoy the time with him for what it is. You can't change him. He's clearly aware you'd like him to be a better dad, and he's decided not to be. He's a grown man and your energy is too precious to waste it trying to make him something he's not.

Saydrah · 1 day

Have you tried telling her straight up, "I like you and any other time I would like where this is going, but I'm staying away from sex for personal reasons right now?"

MadDogTannen · 1 day

Have you really, really honestly looked in a mirror and asked yourself if you are contributing to her negative talk about you? Counseling is an opportunity to be all kinds of honest that you aren't necessarily in talks with your spouse with no counselor present. Have you made a concerted effort to find grains of truth in her narrative and work on them?

I ask because your entire post is about how she causes problems and her history of being a bad person in relationships -- but you're complaining about her wanting to talk only about your problems and portray you as a bad person. Obviously you're venting here and you could be working really hard on yourself in the relationship and counseling, but before addressing your wife, I wanted to ask you to think about that.

That said, it can take several tries to find the right counselor. I would suggest continuing to look for someone who makes both of you feel heard and who calls your wife out actively if she seems to be refusing to do her share of the work. Complaining and venting is part of the therapeutic process, and there is value in letting her spin her narrative uninterrupted so the counselor can hear it, but there should be work done on both of your sides.

jombeewoof · 1 day

I just suspended my account this week so I can't copypaste, but general notes hit in angry responses to no-thanks messages:

Bitch, I'm too good for you anyway
Whatever, you probably just don't like me because you're looking for the typical douchebag who will treat you like shit.
What? Why?!?! Is it my hair? Is it my job? Is it my height? What am I doing wrong? (300 word+ rant about how they're not getting dates and please help omg panic!!!)
Whatever, I was just sending you a message because I was playing the numbers game, I have 3 other dates set up for this weekend already, and actually if you HAD dated me I would have hated x, y, and z about you.
Bitch please, I pull hotter girls than you nightly.

Note that this was a profile with no pic or PII....

critical_ninja · 1 day

Actually, a lot of guys will do exactly what the girl did here: Be honest but not hurtful. I got, "I'm flattered by the offer, but I really only date curvier girls," once. I'm pretty curvy for my overall size, so I understood that to mean he likes a bigger woman -- fine by me, no offense taken, he's one of my best friends now.

NotTheBestTime · 1 day

Move out. She's sending you a lot of signals that continuing to live with you and be around you when you are seeking a new partner is painful to her. It's not fair to you to have to tiptoe around an ex when you're ready to move on, and it's not fair to her to have an ex she's still in love with still in her space keeping the wound from closing. If you can't move out yet, the kindest thing to do would to be considerate even though her boundaries are unreasonable and a violation of your privacy; your living with her is unreasonable and a violation of her closure process for the relationship.

sleiveen · 1 day

You can have a reason and still apologize. You can feel both of you were wrong and still apologize. If you did something that was hurtful to your partner and you are sorry to have hurt them, you should say, "I am sorry." If you did something that was hurtful to your partner and you don't say that, the message sent is that you are not sorry to have hurt them. Nobody wants to have much to do with someone who does not regret it when their actions are hurtful.

AXP878 · 1 day

Fair enough -- I certainly see your point, and I like to think that I am careful not to react negatively to an innocent misunderstanding -- simply "noticing" someone can come off as ogling or leering if the person doing it doesn't understand social cues well. Someone could genuinely be admiring my dress, and not realize they appear to be staring.

sadwifethrowaway · 1 day

In this case her husband did move away, too -- but he came back when she took the attitude of having a happy life, staying in touch at a moderate level, and making clear that she was going to be happy with or without him, but he was very welcome to join in and have fun with her family at any time. I think that's what you need to do here. Absorb yourself in having a happy life with or without him, but stay in touch enough that he knows you're not giving up on him and you look forward to when he decides to come back and join in your fun.

sleiveen · 1 day

I think you're in the wrong here. If you tell someone she's "all yours" on a Friday night, she's going to free up her whole evening for you, and taking a class before you're willing to meet her is basically sending her home to twiddle her thumbs waiting on you when you had set the expectation of an after-work date. Your argument on not calling her is a little weak, too -- if 11 was too late to call last night, why isn't 9 too late to start a date tonight? You'll certainly have her out past 11 -- yes, it's Friday, but being out at 11 is a bigger nighttime commitment than talking on the phone at 11, and if she's so early to bed on a regular basis, she probably doesn't want to stay up another 2-3 hours tonight just so you can get a boxing class in before meeting her.

Expectation-setting is very important in relationships. Don't overpromise just to get someone excited about the promise. Tell them to expect exactly what you are going to follow up on. In this case, "Tomorrow I have to go to my boxing class, but I can't wait to see you in the evening, can we stay up late together?" would have been more appropriate.

I don't think she's being manipulative at all. She responded to feeling like a low priority and to your name-calling by suggesting that the way things are going is a dealbreaker for her. She's expectation setting appropriately. Now you know that you can expect that she will not remain in an exclusive relationship with you if she continues to feel set aside.

sadwifethrowaway · 1 day

Please read this. My gut feeling here is that your husband really needs you to give him the space this woman gave her husband.

AXP878 · 1 day

Would you own that "no expectation of privacy" is a fairly severe point, however? That's the same argument that was used in some circles when a woman had her breasts exposed against her will and ended up on the cover of a Girls Gone Wild video -- she didn't flash the camera, a GGW staff member pulled down her top as she can obviously be seen mouthing "No, no," but the argument made was that she couldn't expect privacy in that environment. In general, a man CAN expect that if he signals a desire for privacy in a public place, for instance by reading a book or texting on his phone, strangers will not approach him and start conversations demanding something from him (except pandhandlers, I guess) and he will not glance up to notice a group has gathered to stare at him and make comments on his outfit.

AXP878 · 1 day

I spend a decent amount of time and money on making myself look pretty because, statistically, physical attractiveness leads to higher earning potential and more positive impressions made on others. Being in the communications field and an occasional public speaker, I desire to make a first impression that is positive. Although I dislike the concept of "prettiness privilege," it is a pragmatic necessity to at least put an effort into my appearance to show contacts that I care about the impression I make on them. Like it or not, the business world (and in NYC, all of the world, pretty much) is not accepting of women with no makeup in non-fitted clothes.

This does not mean that I am inviting strangers to loudly and obviously quantify the degree to which they do or do not wish to have sex with me. If I've never met someone and have no business with them, I probably did not choose my outfit to impress them.

I like you and I see your point, NotC, but please do keep in mind that a woman on the street who has made an effort in her appearance is coming from somewhere and going to somewhere. It's quite possible that if she had the option, she'd wear sweatpants and a ponytail and no makeup while in transit, in order to send a clear signal that she's not looking for attention (though she'd still get it, from the types of oglers who are more interested in getting a reaction than in the actual woman). Unfortunately, it's really just not reasonable to dress sloppily for a subway ride and then put on your date or interview outfit when you get there. In all likelihood, the trouble a woman has gone to with her appearance is for a particular goal, and attracting your attention is NOT it.

malibu_stacey · 1 day

It's not a "stigma" -- it's a perfectly valid preference and concern which may be incompatible with the needs of certain partners. But, it's not going to be a concern for everyone. If you don't think you're likely to move out soon, you may want to consider dating people who come from cultural backgrounds where cohabitation with parents in adult life until marriage is fairly common. South Asian and Middle Eastern cultures frequently are more accepting of cohabitation with family.

Online dating might be the best choice for you. You can be up front in your profile about your situation, and follow up with in-person dates only when you feel someone is accepting and willing to consider a commitment under the circumstances. You can also search for people of specific ethnicities and try as suggested dating people whose cultural background may make them more accepting of your living situation.

Another possibility is to pursue more hobbies and/or actively volunteer. I'm a political nerd myself (without the degree, but with a few thousand hours of volunteer experience) and there are a LOT of campaign romances that turn out pretty decently. It's an election year, so get out there and meet those cute OFA organizers! If you're spiritual/religious at all, consider attending services and becoming involved with any youth or community groups within a church/other institution of your choosing.

malibu_stacey · 1 day

Tell us a little more about yourself. Age? Plans to live independently in the future? Are you in debt? Do you live within your modest means? What are your marketable skills? What are you doing to look for a job in your industry?

Coming from the perspective of someone who has dumped someone in part, but not in all, because he was underemployed and unwilling to do very much to change that, I can see your ex's point, but I can also see yours. There's no reason that you shouldn't be able to have a relationship now, but on the other hand you might be able to attract a partner you'll have a happier life with if you wait until you are able to live more independently. Not necessarily because of money, but because it's daunting to consider a "forever-ish" commitment to someone who is living with and working for his or her family. That means a higher level of responsibility for your partner in avoiding conflict with your family, and it's also going to create questions about how committed you can be to a relationship when your primary relationship needs to be with your family members who are employing you and giving you a place to live.

Huntrontrakkr · 1 day

Spellcheck your profile. Encapsulate is spelled with an e.

iwishitcouldbe · 1 day

Either you have a random crush or there's an underlying problem in your marriage that needs to be addressed. Either way, telling her is not the way to go. Find reasons to be busy when your wife isn't there and the sister-in-law wants to hang out. Only be around her with your wife present until the crush fades. If there's a communication problem interfering with your marriage, consider couples' therapy.

oaklandthrowaway · 1 day

Hey, pretty good answer, props for that and for exercising every day. You'll probably live longer than most of the skinny and unfit.

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