My Fiancé and I are taking three weeks to drive across the states LA to NY. Where should we go?

slimeqslimedog · 1 month

cho-choo-changa · 1 month

I'll expand a bit on his rejecting sex to help you understand...

Makes much more sense to me now.

Would you really consider my behavior as being persistent?

In my culture, the signals he's sending you mean "No, I'm not into you enough to do this." In his, I don't think it's the same.

Funny enough, even my father told me to wary of the Arabs in France as they have a bad reputation even amongst Arabs.

My experience is that they are nice, respectful, and make great food.

But now I'm doubting myself as I don't want to seem persistent and desperate.

You're asking a predominantly American and English speaking forum about moving to France.

I glossed over this a bit in my original post, but particularly with your update, I think your BF is being very direct with you. He doesn't want the burden and guilt of having brought you to France if it doesn't work out, but if he was unwilling to honestly try I think he would tell you.

And he sounds very French (in a good way.) It doesn't sound to me like he's going to stay in the relationship with you if he's unhappy just because you do move to France out of guilt. You sound like a good person and I don't think you want to be in a relationship because you guilted someone into it.

So if you can plan it out and go there independently and having a boyfriend there when you arrive is simply a fun bonus, then I say go for it and enjoy the experience.

As long as they see that there is love and that I would be taken care of, they will grow to accept whoever I'm with.

Your parents sound great. I can see where you got your level-headedness.

RagingErectus · 1 month

Now the guy friend is pushing me to be nude in front of him in order to be more "comfortable" with myself.

Damn, this guy is smooth. I'm taking notes. :)

DakHam88 · 1 month

Have I been friend zoned?

No. You have never been friend zoned in your life, and you never will.

What you have done is taking a girl you had romantic interest for, and treated her like a friend. You put yourself in the friend zone. People do not put you in the friend zone, only you have the power to put yourself there.

Over these 6 or so months, I have made consistent efforts to get closer with her: attempting to make casual conversation via text message and facebook; asking if she wants to grab lunch, dinner, etc. (we are in college so those outings are simple trips to the dining commons)

These are ways that you can interact with her with a low chance of rejection. You've even almost patted yourself on the back by saying they are simple trips - easy, simple, convenient things that she would have to do anyway, so there's little chance of her saying no. You were afraid she would say no if you asked her out on a date, so you tried with something easier.

I have slipped three letters under her door...

Never communicate feelings in written form. Ever. This is the most passive thing you could possibly do, and is also because you're afraid of the rejection.

On that first walk, she took me aside and admitted that she liked me too, but that she was not ready for a relationship and did not want to keep me waiting.

This was her being polite. If she actually liked you, she would be ready for a relationship with you. It's a very common way to let somebody down softly.

I have realized that I truly love her, and I have found myself thinking about her every day.

Love is something two people share and reciprocate. You've idolized and admire her. This is not a two-way, reciprocal feeling. If anything, you are in love with a fantasy you've created of her that loves you back.

I was thinking about inviting her for a walk (or to eat out), then ask her to close her eyes and just go for it by holding her hand.

You are overthinking a lot of things. The right time to do this was probably within a week of meeting her. As a general rule, the right time to say/do something is when you feel it. Like a girl and want to date her? The right time to ask is when you feel it. Want to hold her hand? The right time to do it is when you feel like you want to. Want to kiss her? You see where I'm going with this.

The problem with my "do it when you feel it" plan is, of course, she may not also be feeling it. If she's not feeling it, she'll reject you. That's a good thing, because then you can move on to try with another girl that may actually be interested in you.

she reciprocated positively but said not ready for a relationship.

This is a contradictory statement. Again, she reciprocated negatively. The only way she would have reciprocated positively would have been to get into a relationship with you.

I suggest you have a conversation with her, let her know that you were interested in her from the beginning, but you didn't know how to start a relationship. Your friendship is a lie, and therefore you're going to focus on some other friendships instead since you are "thinking about her every day" and are not able to go back to just being friends with her. Wish her the best, then go and spend your time and energy on a female where you will have a better than zero chance of reproducing with.

Good luck my friend.

beachsider_resider · 1 month

I've had a pretty wicked past and I can appreciate that it's made me a strong person.

Actually, every single sentence you wrote leads me to believe that you're a weak person. Your "strong" facade is a defense mechanism.

I can admit I'm manipulative in the way I use people's words against them and override people's opinions all the time.

Crushing other people, possibly over petty issues, gives you a sense of satisfaction. You like "winning" things that don't actually matter.

I don't take criticism very well and have been called a bully twice in the past weeks (by two people who are extremely close to me). The worst part is that it crushes my soul every time I hear this...

You're crushed that other people are not impressed by your bullying. The satisfaction you get out of it gives you an inflated ego, and you think that will make people like you, but the harsh reality is that people are embarrassed by you. Nobody's proud of what you're doing.

Hack your brain to use your powers of manipulation for good rather than evil. Next time you feel yourself about to take someone down a notch or use their words for a tiny victory, think about what you can do to give them a win.

Give other people social and professional victories. You'll find that the satisfaction you get out of that is longer-lasting and you'll actually earn respect.

Think about making people win for your next social interaction and see how it works out for you.

sunnyskies33 · 1 month

i'm probably going to end up being on the next "how to catch a predator"

How old are you?

cho-choo-changa · 1 month

he claims his parents would not be very accepting of someone who A) Didn't speak French and B) Isn't French

He will tell his parents to get over it if he cares about a girl enough. (Besides, French girls are, in my experience, the least attractive in Europe.) How would your family feel about it?

I'm Arab and his parents also wouldn't be please with the fact that I am Arab.

Depending on what part of France you're in, Arabs are not treated very well. That's being polite about it.

My SO says it probably wouldn't work and that I'm crazy to want to plan my life around him

I basically agree with him.

But for me, I only see this as a positive thing. It will make our relationship much much easier...

You are rationalizing. Chances are, whatever he feels like is making him not want to be with you while you're in another country is only going to be amplified when you're closer.

He believes relationships should be easy...

Resisting the temptation to make a French joke...

I offered myself to him, but he felt it was too much responsibility to be my first knowing full well the other difficulties we were facing.

I have to say this is the strangest one. I can't imagine why someone would turn down sex from a long distance partner. I'm scratching my head over it. Most likely I think is that he may just really not be that into you.

I think this plan of mine is what we need to do to make our relationship last.

What your relationship needs to last is two willing participants.

I will actually say what you have going for you is that his culture tends to actually tell you exactly what they think. So if he actually didn't want you to do it, he wouldn't say "it's crazy," he would say, "I will dump you." Someone of my culture would find your persistence disturbing, but he may find it endearing.

My limited experience in France leads me to believe that you would face more challenges there as an Arab than your boyfriend even knows if he's of European descent. The people are not like the Spanish at all, and France in particular has some serious problems with racism.

His parents... well, if you drink wine and like to argue they will probably come to accept you if you learn their language, like any parents.

Do it if you want to, but do it to learn the language and to have the French experience. Consider being with him to be just a small bonus. If it's still worth it for you to do it, then do it.

How would your parents feel about you with a French guy?

marriage-trapped · 1 month

Porn is no substitute for human intimacy!

You're on the wrong website, friend.

RagingErectus · 1 month

You can get STD's from having protected sex, too. Symptoms of some of them include Eye inflammation or generalized bumps/rash not even in the genital area. Others have no symptoms at all for months or years. You can be a silent carrier, meaning you have no symptoms whatsoever, but still infect people.

Here are a couple of happy links for you to get started reading:

http://www.bing.com/health/article/mayo-MADS01123/Sexually-transmitted-diseases-STDs?q=sexually+transmitted+diseases&qpvt=std

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexually_transmitted_disease

RagingErectus · 1 month

Anyways, current girlfriend freaks out that, to make that big of a change is crazy and sneaks out of the apartment while i'm in the bathroom.

So wait... she got angry because you said you maybe had thought about changing schools for an ex in the past? Strike one.

We never used protection. I tell her that I had unprotected sex about two months ago.

So... you're kind of ignorant about STD's, but I don't think it's malicious. I can see where she might be upset, but she's agreeing to have unprotected sex with somebody she just met. What most of the other respondees are missing here is that she made decisions to have unprotected sex without asking if her partner had been tested, and then flipped out when the answer wasn't what she hoped it would be. Strike two.

I tell her that I love her and that she is beautiful and great at sex. She doesnt believe me. Says her whole life she has been a sex doll and now shes not even that to me.

Two months in you are only beginning to uncover the first hints of crazy that lie within this one. It's only going to get much, much worse from here. Strike three. This is not a reasonable person.

Run.

RagingErectus · 1 month

There are plenty of things that have a low chance of transmission, so you may not have given them to her yet, or she may not have had them for long enough to show up on a test.

You don't know you're clean until you get tested, and even then you're only pretty sure. Didn't they cover this in high school or something?

marriage-trapped · 1 month

Nor do I feel I was using her, although I'm sure everyone will pounce on that as delusional.

Reddit likes to forget that women have sexual needs as well. Maybe you were being used to fulfill her needs.

Amn7684 · 1 month

And I don't mean abilities as any kind of egotistical thing, I just mean that I am generally confident in everything that I do.

It's kind of the same thing. I'm not coming down on you for it at all, but just know that the way you communicate and perceive yourself is registered by others. It's going to impact both whether or not they're attracted to you, and influence their behavior during the relationship.

nsecurity · 1 month

I think he is trying to tell me that when my insecurities cause us to have long discussions and sometimes arguments, it interferes with his studying time, and if that continues, it may be reason enough to end things.

But also, he's probably got enough stress to deal with.

In your original comment, you implied that I should try to move away from him, since he does not accept me as-is. After hearing my clarifications, do you still suggest this?

Yes... and no. Move away from him if you want to get closer. In other words, if you're more independent and don't need him, you're in a better position to be in a loving partnership with him as an equal.... if that makes sense.

Maybe a better way to think of it is: He doesn't fix your insecurity by telling you you're pretty or that he likes your contacts, etc. He creates a dependency. Cut away all the dependencies.

If you need to end the relationship to get rid of your dependency, that's a slightly different conversation. Neither of you are going to be happy as long as you're this fragile.

UtterlyShelly · 1 month

She started canceling our plans and going out with friend over those plans.

You are less important to her than the friends. That's pretty clear.

"I know I'm doing a mistake but I just can't help it".

She's 18, not 8. I would even expect an 8 year old to be able to "help it."

She says I know you drank more , like an animal.

She's projecting on you. She can't believe you because something in her life has lead her to believe that people in those situations want to behave badly. Possibly herself.

she says that because of me she can't do her homework today

You are not responsible for her actions. A reasonable person could have said "I can't discuss this right now, I've got homework to do."

She told me to go out with friends, talking with other girls. I did. Now she's mad at me about it?

She wants you to want her because it boosts her ego. She doesn't want you to not need her.

She said that she doesn't know if she loves me anymore. But why cry over the phone if you don't have feelings for me?

This feels like a manipulation tactic.

When actions and words disagree, look at the actions. The actions are that she chooses to go out with her friends over you. She chooses to be angry at you over nothing.

I need tips on how to glue this relationship together again.

I don't think you need glue, I think you need scissors.

But since it's not about what I want, it's about what you want: I think the best chance you have here is to not fight with her so much. Be very direct and ask her if she wants to be with you, yes or no. Yes means keeping her commitments with you and trusting you. If she doesn't want to do that, it's an easy conversation.

Remember - actions vs. words. She is trying to manipulate you to want her. Don't buy it. If you really want to be with this girl, make sure she is paying for it in action of spending time with you.

nsecurity · 1 month

You're welcome! I hope it helps you in the long term.

He wants to be with me, but if my insecurities continue to affect his life, he will have to consider focusing on his studies and career more by leaving the relationship.

So basically, he's going to focus on things that bring him self-confidence and fulfillment. Sounds a lot like he's going to do the advice I gave you! There's a common theme here.

What I love about relationships is that together you can support each other and do more than the individuals apart. But this is only the case if both people are strong independently. Otherwise, if they are relying on each other as crutches, they can do less than they could otherwise as individuals.

HarmonyKitten · 1 month

It's not that sad. A great deal of rationalization and cognitive dissonance led you to this place. Of course you're still wanting to defend him.

In a sense, defending him is also defending the choices you've made. So by pointing out his errors, I'm also pointing out your flawed judgement.

I shouldn't even WANT to defend him.

This is correct :).

1NF1N1T1 · 1 month

I won't let her permit to hurt me again. Not anymore.

Great. Just remember you've got hormones too, be strong when the call comes in and press ignore. Good luck.

Amn7684 · 1 month

I was setting you up for that a bit. Good job at trying to avoid it :).

The only objective measurement that matters here is if the mate you are attracted to happens to also be attracted to you.

You're obviously not currently attractive enough to the kind of women that you're attracted to, or not in the right environment. So in spite of applying the X to the Y, you're not where you expect to be.

In other words, even though you've got everything where you think it needs to be, you're still failing to achieve the desired result. As you mentioned you don't care much for bars, or possibly other social activities where the females you're going to be more compatible with are going to be.

Men that may have significantly less of what you feel should be most important are potentially enjoying much more of what you want. They don't have all the plans, they're not as forward thinking, and they don't have all the.. uh.. "abilities."

But they're doing something right socially, which at the end of the day what matters to get what you are looking for.

nsecurity · 1 month

I brought up something I wanted to try sexually with him, which he didn't seem too enthusiastic about. He remarked that I was crazy

This is, objectively, a poor response on his side. An appropriate response might be "I don't want to try that," which is fair. But when you're opening yourself up with something like that which is a sensitive topic for many people, an insult is never the right response.

I've been trying so hard to be more secure for 9 years, and nothing has ever really "fixed" the problem.

There's no such thing as fixing it. Nobody is "really" secure - everyone is either varying levels of insecure, or genuinely vain. And the vain people are vain because their insecurity has reached levels of insanity.

Self confidence doesn't come from being prettier. There's no such thing, everyone has different preferences, so you can't possibly be "better" than you are now. Self confidence comes from your accomplishments and actions. It's not anything visual. That's why "attractive" people are always getting plastic surgery.

My advice to someone with insecurity problems is always that they need accomplishments. You need to know that you can achieve something that you can be proud of. A hobby, passion or fulfilling career can do this for you. It's got nothing to do with your appearance, your boyfriend, or anything he says.

Until then I suggest you do what most people do: Fake it. Act confident and you'll feel it. I'm not saying sweep the problem under the rug, but know every girl you see walking down the street absolutely hates 5 things about herself, and loathes 10 more.

Your boyfriend probably isn't helping your insecurity problems by saying "You're so insecure that you're broken." It's another insult and it's another way he's not accepting you. Basically what I'm saying is, try to stop beating yourself up over beating yourself up.

If you think about how happy you'll be without someone that's not accepting of you, it might help a bit as well. Don't be so focused on him that you desperately need to cling on to someone that has one foot out the door already. He should want to be with you, and if not, I promise there are 10 other people on the other side of that door waiting.

See if your therapist can help you find accomplishments. Small goals you can set up for yourself in your career or life that can let you slowly start to build feelings of self-worth.

Amn7684 · 1 month

When I did confront her on it, her defense was that she wanted to be sure that I wasn't lying. I feel that allowing behaviors that you find unacceptable to slide in a new relationship causes those behaviors to become the norm. So I ended it.

I agree with your course of action there. What she did was create a self-fulfilling prophecy. She was afraid you were going to leave her, so she acted to cause you to leave her.

I do not feel that I deserve anything, but I am certain that I have a kind of "success rate" attached to the whole thing.

Could you elaborate on this a bit more on what you mean by this? Are you referring to your "station" or your recent troubles?

HarmonyKitten · 1 month

On the night of July 6th/morning of July 7th, he came over to my apartment after I had helped him break up with a girl he didn't want to be with. She lived too far, was too clingy, and too immature. We ended up together that morning... And have literally spent EVERY day together since.

This is a guy that can't even break up with someone properly, and then is getting together with someone the next day. This was never going to end well.

This guy manipulated you hard - he did it first on the upswing telling you things you wanted to hear, now he's doing it hard on the downswing telling you things you don't. He's a user and anything he tells you, good or bad, is for the sole purpose of getting something he wants.

I'm sorry I can't respond to the rest of your post right now. It will take me about 2-3 hours to get through it all and respond properly, but if I have more time and energy tomorrow I will.

Confused about money/tension/signals.

Skimming through your post, the only signals I've seen is that you're a handy/reliable backup for his ego when Michelle rejects him. He's a user and clearly does not respect you. Anything he says to the contrary is part of the manipulation.

1NF1N1T1 · 1 month

2 Years of frictionless relationship suddenly put to end.

I'm not sure if what I have to say will help or not... but I think it will. So I'll give it to you straight.

What you had was not a 2 year frictionless relationship. There's no such thing. If things are going that well, it's because one or both parties are being dishonest in some capacity.

(I had saved her from a mental breakdown, deep depression in school life).

This was never going to be something that ends well. You did not save her from deep depression because you are not a licensed therapist with years of experience.

That guy isn't serious with her and after hearing the stuff about our old relationship, plans to break up with her if she shows any signs of infidelity to him although I don't think she will so soon.

Once a cheater, always a cheater is a popular line here. I don't necessarily agree with it, but if she started seeing this guy so long ago while she was keeping you as backup (you were backup, btw) then it's likely she'll do the same to him when someone "better" in her mind comes along.

She's into a univ along with this guy (he's a jerk) who apparently proposed her in Feb.

This is not a real proposal. It's a hormone driven, "Hey we're in university now let's go wild!" proposal. Not impossible for it to work out, but I would be shocked if it was legit and real.

This also means she's had the relationship with him for at least 6 months. She's been lying to you for a long time.

So all of this is not a sudden change, it's a sudden reveal. After 2 years you just now got to know your GF. Again, it was "frictionless" before, meaning that she never had an opportunity to show her true colors.

She was the one who used to tell me that no matter what happens she'd never leave me...

It's real easy for people to talk about their "values." Why do you think so many of the people in /r/relationships are so judgmental? But you don't really know a person, in fact a person doesn't even know their own values, until they've been tested.

It's like a pro-life family that sneaks off to the abortion clinic at the first sign of a happy little accident. That's the same thing that happened here.

So you dodged a bullet, friend. Wish her new BF the best, although you really shouldn't be talking to him. Cut all contact, hit the facebook, delete from gym.

qervem · 1 month

You're welcome!

forgot to add that she almost left me for him. I realize that's kind of a big detail, and I left it out.

You know, that is kind of a big deal. If she's just with you because this other guy rejected her and you're the faithful backup, that's entirely different from having a harmless crush.

I don't like punishing/rewarding as if she's a child or something.

I don't mean give her a biscuit. But if someone shares their feelings with you and you respond by accusing them, getting aggressive, etc., that's a punishment. If you instead try to understand how they feel, that's a reward. People don't often realize that their own actions and behaviors are punishing or rewarding to other people.

DragosteinLume · 1 month

With graphic design, even if you're doing packaging, is a very flat, boring, cut-and-dry job. Text, pictures, color. End.

I thought you mentioned you had some career path towards this from high school? You've barely scratched the surface of graphic design. Like, hardly at all. There's so much more to it than that. Graphic design is about human interaction and psychology, messaging and multiple media formats (tv, ooh, digital, mobile, etc.) What you wrote is like saying "Yeah, but the space just has stars and stuff." (Disclaimer: I am not a graphic designer, but several have worked for me.)

I don't want to get stuck on that because I think the biggest point you're trying to make is that you want to move from doing things abstractly and digitally to working with materials and with your hands.

As much as you de-emphasized graphic design, you romanticized set design. It's cutting your hands, noxious chemicals, budget problems, location issues, talent problems, getting up at 4am... it's just a mess.

Really don't want to discourage you if that's really your passion. Actually I'm not even in entertainment (although I was for about 2 years) if that's your gig, I'm in media. So maybe it will be different if you go into entertainment, but the people on the s/fx and set design crews are far less creative than anyone on the design side. They're the union dock workers of the process.

You have most likely seen projects that I've worked on and just... the way you're describing everything, about being "creative," from someone in an industry you might go into, your perspective sounds all backwards to me. I'm really not knocking either profession, but using your own words and my experience, what you're saying doesn't add up.

Can you get an internship doing this somewhere? If you live in the right city (NYC or LA) there are internships everywhere doing this stuff.

RagingErectus

TROPHY CASE

you'll need to login or register to do that

create a new account

login