My boyfriend gets jealous and upset when I go to work/study/go to class/don't spend every second talking to him.

igaveuponpickingone · 9 days

Unfortunately, I don't think this is a problem you can solve; it's a problem he needs to solve (and he probably won't appreciate hearing this from you). It sounds to me like he doesn't have enough going on in his life. He needs friends and hobbies. It's not healthy to have no life outside of your relationship; it keeps you sane and interesting.

LoveLostToLust · 9 days

Please, don't expect to be able to develop good impulse control just by trying. This is really hard shit to overcome, and it's pretty base (impulsive personality traits become apparent as early as infancy!). You can do it, but you need guidance from someone who knows the tricks and who can customize a realistic self-improvement plan for you.

Best of luck!

drgk · 9 days

This is an atypical definition of "racism", and it's not what most people (including those in this thread) mean when they say "racism". I imagine this is why you are getting downvoted.

For those who are interested in differentiating between the concept of "prejudice on the basis of race" and "institutionalized racial supremacy", I'd suggest coining a new term for the latter, because "racism" is already used for the former. It causes needless semantic confusion to try to alter the meaning of an already established term.

Motherfudge · 9 days

It's a lot more difficult for a guy to use imagination.

I wouldn't assume this.

Some individuals (both men and women) have difficulty holding an image in their heads. Others have an easy time of it. I have an easy time of it—I grew up drawing pictures, so I learned how to think visually and spatially. My boyfriend has an easy time of it, too; he is a visual effects programmer, so he has a particularly keen ability to imagine how something looks (since he has to develop algorithms for things he can't yet see).

He uses his imagination pretty much exclusively when he masturbates. Seriously, I watch more porn than he does. He likes porn well enough, but he prefers his own imagination in most instances, since it can depict exactly what he wants it to. (I prefer my own imagination, too, for this reason—I like thinking about some pretty wild stuff—but a little porn helps with the details. Usually I watch it without masturbating and then construct my fantasy with my eyes closed.)

Motherfudge · 9 days

People mature differently. I was fairly old (15, I think?) before I got my first crush. I was 18 before I had any desire to have sex. I was about 22 or so before I sat down and purposely watched porn for the first time. (I had seen glimpses of it before then, but nothing that appealed to me or made me want to watch; the great, great majority of porn does not cater to straight women.)

Metzky · 9 days

Very true. But I don't think rape would affect me, personally, as deeply as other experiences I've been through have. As a little girl, I was mistakenly seized into foster care, where I was physically abused for several months and told that my parents had given me away because they didn't want me—by far the most harrowing experience of my life and the source of several years of early childhood depression. When I was a couple years older, I lost my brother and several other family members. And as a young adult, my crazy first boyfriend was emotionally abusive and eventually attempted to rape me, during which time he also expressed an intention to kill me. (The death threat was dramatically more terrifying than the rape attempt and haunted me for much, much longer. The rape attempt was almost not a thing—overshadowed by the fear that he would find me and murder me.)

After that last event, it took me many months to feel safe again or to feel wholly comfortable around other people. But within two years I was back to myself—and, indeed, the happiest I'd ever been. I'm a lot more resilient than I'd have expected or hoped. After all that, I just can't imagine rape (isolated from other violence) having as strong an effect on me as what I've already been through.

king1037 · 10 days

For me, "OK" has a positive connotation (as in, "OK, sounds good!") and "nevermind" has a neutral connotation (as in, "Whoops, nevermind, forget I said that.").

lstcse · 10 days

I worked as a head cashier where I rang up customers, answered customer questions, trained new employees, and used the phone (answering incoming calls, making outgoing calls). It really helped me get used to approaching people, making small talk with people, breaking bad news to people, and (the source of my deepest social anxiety) talking on the phone.

The bad thing was that I'm introverted, in addition to being shy, so it really drained me mentally to work there even after I got over my nervousness. But it was a good experience for me to have, all in all; I feel like a more well-rounded person now, and I learned a lot of information that I've been able to put to use since then. And if the wheels ever come off the wagon and I desperately need a job, I've got a standing invitation to work there again.

I'd suggest getting a job that will expose you to whatever makes you nervous, but that won't give you a negative experience. Don't work for a call center, for example, or it may reinforce your fear of approaching people. And don't work as a cashier at a location where everyone in the world shops whether they want to or not, such as grocery stores. Instead, work in a place that caters to people doing something they enjoy, like having a nice meal or pursuing a hobby (a camping gear shop, garden shop, fabric shop, etc.); you'll have a better time with customers who are in a good mood when they show up and who really want to be there.

Metzky · 10 days

I would rather be killed than beaten, personally. Once you're dead, your experience stops. On the other hand, torture makes you want to be dead.

Personally, I'd sooner be raped by a stranger than raped by a friend, then sooner raped by a friend than killed, and then sooner killed than tortured.

Unfortunately, the worst instances of rape occur alongside being tortured and killed. In those instances, though, it is the torture that I find most frightening to think about. The rape makes it scary, too, though because it implies that the victim was selected for no other reason than the sadist's pleasure; it could have been anyone. When torture and murder occur without rape, you tend to assume it happened because the torturer was angry at the victim or something—and you can at least conceive of a way to avoid that situation (e.g., don't make enemies).

Metzky · 10 days

"Don't be unattractive" includes "don't behave stupidly or intimidatingly toward women you don't know". No matter what you look like, most women are going to find that behavior repulsive.

Metzky · 10 days

Yeah, for me, I'm certainly afraid of rape—but almost entirely because I'm afraid my rapist will kill me or physically debilitate me. Having sex I don't want to have would suck, but as long as I came out of it relatively unscathed (no dangerous STD, no pregnancy, no lasting wounds, etc.), it wouldn't be the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

I am afraid to walk alone at night or in certain neighborhoods, but that's because I'm afraid of getting mugged. This is a fear that most men surely share. Small, unintimidating-looking people (which includes more women than men) may have reason to be more fearful of mugging, granted.

sensitive_troll · 10 days

The thing is, though, my experience as a woman is different from other women's experiences as women. We're all different.

So, for example, I never felt pressured or intimidated by the depiction of women in media. When I see a pretty Photoshopped lady on a magazine cover, I feel nothing; no jealousy, no longing, no intimidation, no resentment, nothing. It might as well be a picture of a car. So when a woman talks about the effect that these magazines have had on her self-esteem, I have absolutely no more understanding of it than a man does. But I can come to a better understanding by being told—and, similarly, I can bring my boyfriend to a better understanding of my experiences by telling him about them. I wouldn't expect a stranger, of any sex, to know more about me than my friends do. There may be occasional instances where we've had the same experience, but I wouldn't assume it—especially not solely on the basis of gender.

Even where we did go through similar experiences, there's no telling how similar they actually felt to us. My experience of sadness and loneliness might be very different from yours. Maybe the effects my brother's death had on me were wholly different than they were on some other girl who lost her brother.

Even for things like physical sensation, there's quite a bit of variety. For example, my boyfriend has told me that when his funny bone gets hit, it feels like pins and needles. But when mine gets hit, it feels blunt and achey. So who can say if another woman knows what my menstrual pain is like or if I know what hers is like? Apparently most women barely get menstrual pain at all—and those women have exactly as much insight into my pain as equivalent men do. My boyfriend can speak for me better than they can because my boyfriend does know what pain I go through (even if he hasn't personally felt it himself); he's seen me writhing in the bed, he's brought me painkillers and heating pads and hot food, he's cuddled me and tried to comfort me through it, he's listened to me complain and describe it. He knows me in a way a stranger cannot.

lstcse · 10 days

In my experience, shyness is something that seems to fade gradually throughout life. Getting a job in retail will help speed up that process; repeated exposure to the thing that makes you anxious will help you get used to it.

MidnightAria · 26 days

The word "crazy" is like the word "creepy". The terms do refer to a real phenomenon, but the definitions are getting diluted by ~~exaggerators~~ inexperienced individuals who don't know what real crazy/creepy looks like.

kbti148 · 26 days

To answer the question you asked, I find that I forget everything over time. The highest highs and the lowest lows all become blunted as I move on, and the neutral bits are lost altogether. After a few years, I can remember the most notable events, but the emotions associated with them become very fuzzy. Resentment disappears. Desire disappears. The entire relationship feels like something from a movie I watched a long time ago.

This doesn't happen immediately. It is a gradual process.

jdjd1118 · 26 days

Yeah, I wouldn't think so. I'm the most extreme introvert I know, and I love people. I just love them from a distance.

jdjd1118 · 26 days

The 10th one is the one that drives me the most crazy and has been the most damaging in my life.

This doesn't debunk #7. If anything, it provides supporting evidence for the myth.

PizzaTime826 · 26 days

I prefer to be approached when I'm not busy. If it looks like I'm walking somewhere in a hurry, studying, working out, etc., then please try another time. Otherwise I'll try to end our conversation as quickly as possible.

I prefer to be approached when I have the opportunity to take leave if I feel that urge. Don't corner me on the bus or when I'm working retail; this will make me feel trapped and stressed, and I will associate this negativity with you. Approach me when I'm browsing in the library, taking a stroll in a populated park, leaving work, etc. Then I'll be comfortable, and I'll be considerably more receptive to getting to know you.

The best place to meet me is in a place where I come specifically to socialize and make friends. Say, a boardgame meetup or a sci fi convention. Online dating sites are good, too.

ola0711 · 26 days

To my first love: Thank you, because if our relationship hadn't happened and hadn't ended the way it did, the timing would have been all messed up and I wouldn't have gotten into the vastly superior relationship I'm in now.

HumanSieve · 29 days

Apparently "swooning" originally meant "fainting". This is why I decided to claim it makes me want to swoon, not that it does make me swoon. (Weird reasoning, I know.)

boonshound · 29 days

On the whole, I wish women didn't grow them. They're really only nice during sex (and, I suppose, breastfeeding!), but most of the time they're a bother. I would have mine removed if I could do so without any social repercussions.

They require special clothing, and that clothing isn't cheap and often fits poorly. It is painful to go without this clothing.

They get sweaty and feel gross—worse than pits or crotch—on warm days. They make me overheat very easily.

They are painful when I run or jump, which makes me loathe exercise most of the time. Sometimes they're randomly painful for no discernible reason, particularly the nipples and the base (where they connect to my chest).

The skin is very thin and tender. They get scratched and bruised very easily, and it takes a long time for them to heal.

When I'm wearing a bra, I can barely feel anything with my breasts. This leads to all kind of embarrassing situations where I accidentally brush my breasts against someone and have no idea. Also, hugs can be awkward.

My nipples often feel itchy, but it is inappropriate to scratch them in public—especially since that involves inserting my hand inside my bra.

HumanSieve · 29 days

This may sound weird, but I like it when a guy has a poor sense of direction. I have a good sense of direction (I am a visual-spatial thinker) and I like the opportunity to show it off to a cute guy.

I also like cute guys who are shy around me: blushing, stuttering, looking at their feet, etc. It makes me want to swoon.

IrnBruJunkie · 29 days

Better yet, claim you lost the bet (your friends thought she was awful, and you wanted to prove them wrong). Then you'll have a good excuse for looking disappointed, and she'll feel like she lost someone who was on her side.

HumanSieve · 1 month

I strongly prefer to pay my own way. If he pays, then I feel compelled to be as cheap as I possibly can—e.g., ordering just a side instead of a full meal—which ultimately worsens the quality of the date for me. If I pay my own way, then I can relax and buy exactly what I want without pressure, and this contributes to me feeling generally confident and loosened up with him. If I can't get comfortable with the guy, I am extremely disinclined to give a second date a go; it just takes too much out of me.

Once I'm in an established relationship, I'm fine with us treating each other on occasion (so long as it goes both ways). But I really, really hate doing this while we're still just getting to know each other. It really bugs me when I try to explain this to a guy and he still insists on paying; not only does it make the date more inhibited and less fun for me, but it also makes me feel like he doesn't take me seriously.

Fuck girls who say one thing and mean another ("No, no, you shouldn't pay for me!" then get pissed when you don't)—and fuck guys who not only put up with it, but expect it from girls—because that kind of shit pretty drastically reduced the quality of my life when I was single and dating.

IrnBruJunkie · 1 month

Yeah, same here. I'm getting ready to move, and saying goodbye to a lot of my acquaintances has really loosened me up—because I'm less concerned about how they'll view me, since we may never see each other again.

Consequently, I feel like I've become better friends with them now, in my last couple days, than I've been over the course of the entire time I've known them.

My boyfriend and I got as close as we are because we were from different countries and never, ever intended to pursue anything with each other. With that tension out of the way, we got insanely close.

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